An Open Letter To My Husband After Two Kids

To my husband, after I’ve had two kids,

Do you remember a time before we had kids?  Do you remember staying in bed until 11am on Saturday morning and trying to decide if we should have breakfast, no lunch, no breakfast?  Do you remember vacations?  Do you remember lying on the beach for hours reading a book?  I would pack more bikinis than days we were vacationing with lingerie to match.  Do you remember going to dinner at a restaurant?  That feels like a lifetime ago.  Actually it was two lifetimes ago.  Before my mind was always consumed with the kid’s schedules, spending time with them, and finding “family activities” for every weekend.  Back when I had confidence.  Where did that confidence go?  It seems to have gone missing with the body I used to have.  The first time it was so easy to get my baby back, not so easy the second time.  The extra 10 lbs and the stretch marks are a constant reminder of both the person I lost and the miracles that I gained. 

This caught me by surprise.  I was thinner after baby #1 than on our wedding day.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  This wasn’t the dream that we talked about.  We talked about dinner as a family, playing in the backyard, vacations and holidays.  We talked about the things we would teach them and the memories we would make. We talked about how we would live not how we would feel.  Me post partum baby 2 is very different.  What will I look like post partum baby 3 or 4?  Will there even be hope for me to find myself.  Will the girl that you saw on your wedding day ever come back?

I cringe when I think about who I have become.  So shy, so unsure of myself.  These other moms bounce right back.  They are so confident with their “mommy bodies.”  I’m jealous of those mom’s that can balance themselves and their kids.  The ones that still find time to get their nails done and juggle 4 babies.  After 2 pregnancies, after two labors, after thousands of bottles and diapers changed I seem to lost myself.  I know she has to be right under my nose but I can’t find her.  I think she’s hiding under the mountains of toys or the clothes that I aspire to fit into again.  I pray the old me comes back sometimes but I know she won’t.  She’s gone, I’ve been changed by these two little faces that look up at me so lovingly every day. 

So meet the new me, mommy of two.  While I’m struggling to love me, you’re not.  You still look at me like we’re 16 years old.  I still catch you sneaking peeks when I am bending over.  You don’t judge me when I’m eating a bowl of ice cream for dinner at 9pm.  You never point out when I’m being unreasonable.  You back me up when I go into “mama bear mode.”  You love me.  You have the confidence in me that I lost.  I’m trying hard to see what you see, honestly I am trying.  I promise I will love myself again, I will get there.

Thank-you!  Thank-you for the beautiful life that we have.  Thank-you for loving me no matter what.  Thank you for always thinking I’m the prettiest, smartest and sexiest girl in the room.  Thank you for our family.  Thank you for making put that bikini back on J.

My Marriage After Kids

I am by no expert on relationships; I actually have very little experience with new relationships.  I met my husband when we were 16 years old. We dated through high school and college in the off and on format that is so common at that age.  We attended different high schools and colleges but maintained the relationship by establishing a regular schedule of seeing each other.  As we matured so did our relationship and we learned to resolve conflict with conversation and mutual understanding in lieu of our previous method of “breaking up.”  After 9 years of dating, we married.  We’ve been married for just under 3 years and have two children together.  Ok that’s enough of a biography on me and my husband.

Anyone who has gotten married in the Catholic church you know all about pre-cana, for those of you who haven’t let me bring you up to speed.  Pre-cana is a series of classes or meetings that couples must attend before getting married.  The following topics are “required” to be discussed:

·         Spirituality/Faith

·         Conflict Resolution Skills

·         Careers

·         Finances

·         Intimacy/Cohabitation

·         Children

·         Commitment

This was the first time my husband and myself really sat and had some open conversations about our life plan timeline and how children fit into our picture.  Both of us had some couples in our lives that we thought were good examples of what we wanted our relationship to look like and both of us knew we did not want the type of relationships that we saw between our parents.  The one common theme we both saw in our parents was that there was not a focus on the other spouse which we deemed was the #1 thing we wanted to ensure we had in our married.

Over a year later we found ourselves married, moved into our first home and expecting our first child.  I was worried that having a baby was going to change our relationship.  I was afraid that all the focus was going to be on the baby and we were going to end up complete strangers living under the same roof.  We made the decision to put aside time every day that is just for us!  To put this into practice we established a bed time for our son of 8 pm and we diligently put the baby to bed at 8pm (even though we weren’t always successful).  From 8pm until we went to bed (or the baby woke up) was our time. 

Two years later that is still our time.  We watch our favorite tv series, play cards, clean or organize the house, talk, have a fire in our fire pit, ect.  My friends joke that we’re always busy making babies when ours are asleep and they are probably right.  I believe that’s an important part of any relationship.  To be perfectly honest, that’s also the time when we do most of our arguing.  When talking to other parents (and just other couples) to be honest it seems like taking your partner for granite seems to be an epidemic in our society.  Everyone is on all the time, on line, on the phone, on social media that it’s difficult to be in the present.  That’s not to say I can’t be found to be playing some candy crush before I go to bed each night but it’s so easy to let that stuff come in between my relationship.

Date night can become very expensive very quickly.  Dinner and a movie can easily be $70 and then a babysitter can easily cost $50 so that date gets expensive fast.  We try to make every night a date night and when we do go out without the kids we make it count.  I don’t think my marriage is perfect; yes we could do a few more date nights and we could probably spend less time on our computers working on our fantasy football teams but we’re happy.  I can honestly say I look forward to seeing my husband after work and even after 12 years he still makes me smile everyday (just don’t tell him that haha).