Why is working becoming so hard?

I previously told the story of how I had to make the gut wrenching decision to go back to work early (See Cutting Maternity Leave Short). I struggled for quite some time with my decision to go back to work.  I’ve settled into a position with a shorter work week and therefore more time with the little ones but I can’t help but shaking this nagging feeling.  I know that in my life plan being a SAHM isn’t in it but somedays I wish there was such a thing as a SAHM leave or longer maternity leave in the US.  If I were in Europe I would still be home with my little ones.   I find myself watching the clock during the day thinking longingly about when its appropriate to leave and go home to my littles.  I was never like that before.  I would be caught up in my job, consequently leaving late and calling my child’s caregiver apologizing for being late… ooopps haha.

I’m so happy at home with our little family.  I feel like my relationship with my husband is at an all-time high (and that’s saying something since we’ve been together for almost 13 years).  My relationship with my boys is great.  My toddler is a ball of energy and you can just see the wheels turning in his head all the time.  Even my infant is at a point where he is getting interactive.  I’m smiling from ear to ear the second I walk in the door every day.   My infant has started sleeping 8 hours at night and even waking with him early in the morning for a feeding and some snuggle time seems like a blessing.  Once I step out the door each morning for work it seems that I am just pushing through until I can return home again.

I’m struggling with this departure in my personality.  Am I really that different of a person or is it simply as I grow my priorities change?  Everyone grows with each different life experience but I’ve had a child before, true this is my first time having two children but is that really changing me that much?  I’m inclined to think not.  However I cannot pin point where my departure in my personality is coming from.  I do not want to fix the problem, however I am struggling with how to cope with the problem.  Being away from your family is hard enough without the extra anxiety that I am feeling.  I wonder how many other mother’s share my feelings.  Is this a silent epidemic or am I the only one experiencing this phenomenon? 

I know working now will be better in the long run but right now it feels like the hard decision.  I guess for now I focus on loving my boys (all 3 of them) and know that it will all be worth it in the long run.

What is Too Much to Sacrifice to SAH?

Ok so its that horrible day at work.  You walk in late because you spent your morning dealing with on crisis after another only to look down and notice you have two different shoes on and baby spit up on your shoulder.  You go to the bathroom try to clean off the spit up with those awesome brown paper towels (you all know what I mean) and hope no one notices the mismatched shoes as you sneak into that meeting you are late for.  Hope you can get done your work quickly so you can leave on time to pick up you're older child from school before picking up the younger one from daycare.   How much easier would it be to just stay home and take care of your children?  Internally, you start running the numbers ok without childcare and if we cancel cable, get rid of one car, cut our food bill, stop going out to dinner it totally do able.

Maybe its just the parenting groups/message boards that I am apart of but more and more I'm seeing a trend where working mothers are trying to make the jump to staying at home.  While if you can responsibly stay at home, I say go for it not judgement here, however the advice being given to those women is downright irresponsible!!

Some of the advice I've seen recently is, to drain your savings and retirement accounts you can always save money later in life and you're kids will only be small once.  More advice is to sell your house or break a lease and move into a cheaper area (worse school districts and higher crime) because you being with your kids will balance it out.  Borrow money from family and friends, they'll understand and want to help.  Declare bankruptcy, move in with family, cancel cable internet ect. and sell a car.  Another poster said to re-enroll in school online to defer student loan payments and borrow a little "extra" for living expenses.

What are we teaching out children if these are the decisions we are making and advising others to make?  The message I'm receiving is to look to others to take care of you're responsibilities for you so you can do what you WANT.  Is it really responsible to put your child into an environment that you were not comfortable with to start with just because you want to stay at home.  I also want to raise the question what happens if there is an emergency and you have no savings?

What is the plan if something happens to the family to the remaining breadwinner?  With all that being said, if you can be a stay at home parent without negatively impacting your family go for it.  There is no right answer when it comes to raising your children other than teaching them to do the right thing and be a good person.  I'm afraid, however, for my children's generation, my generation is already notorious for huge amounts of credit card debt and people living beyond their means.  Education is being valued less and less.  My hope is that my children learn from these mistakes and don't make same mistakes of my generation.

The Balancing Act

Recently, some friends were at my home and a conversation ensued about everyone’s jobs.  One person in particular, a relatively recent college grad, commented on the numbers of hours she was working.  She commented that many of the other employees have to leave early or at a specific time because they have children at home and it wasn’t fair that she was left “picking up their slack.”  As a working mother myself that made me very sad and made me wonder if that is what my co-workers think of me.  My work schedule is dictated by my child care schedule.  Often time working parents utilize daycare for their children while they are at work.  Daycares charge sizeable fees if you are late picking up your child which become a burden on the family.  Not to mention the need for a child to spend time with their parents.  School aged children get off the bus at a specific time often necessitating for a parent to be home to meet them.  As a mother my first responsibility is to my family conversely as an employee it is expected my first responsibility be to my employer.

There is a lot of discussion surrounding work life balance.  What is work life balance?  America is one of the only industrialized countries where such little emphasis is placed on the family.  According to the Center for American Progress, 90 percent of working mothers and 95 percent of working fathers report work-family conflict.   The idea of the 40 hour work week and leaving work at the office seem to be a thing of the past.  Marriages are currently toting only a 50-60% success rate and the number of marriages per year is also declining.  I find these statistics both troubling and telling.  It appears as the demands of the work force are increasing the focus on the individual and the family is declining.  Online dating has become a norm, even finding a partner has become streamlined due to people having less free time.  The expectations of the individual to the company are usually very defined through job descriptions, annual goals ect., however what responsibility do companies have to their employees?  It appears to me this is often less defined.

Why should my co-worker who does not have children have more pressure placed on them to put more hours in at the office?  They as an individual need time to grow and explore their interests.   If I put my family first is it going to stall my career? Should I pick up the computer and work instead of playing in the yard with my kids?  I’ve heard of my co-workers reading reports to their young children as a bedtime story or answering emails when up for a midnight feeding with the baby.

I personally struggle with the balance.  Isn’t the goal in doing a good job to get rewarded and promoted?  In my experience you need to go above and beyond your expected job goals to advance in the workplace.  If the expectations of my employer are that which are detrimental to my family I am forced with a choice.  I want to be successful in my career but I also want to be a good mother.  I ask myself looking back on my life will I be more upset if I miss this time with my kids or will I be more upset that I didn’t get a specific promotion?  The answer is often to put work aside and spend the time with my family but I also feel like my career is in a holding pattern as a result. 

Will the struggle ever change?  I hope for my kids it does.  If not for me, for them.  If we continue in this direction the family as we know it is going to be a thing of the past.  No one should ever feel like they have to work 70 hours a week just to be successful.  I wonder with people working that many hours, how many of them are truly productive or are people so worn out they can’t get as much done.  I hope the family and the individual become more of a focus.   I’m going to continue to struggle with the balance every day, I love my family and I love my career and they are going to remain in competition for my time.

Why Go Back to Work??

When I graduated high school, I would have very openly told you I wanted to be a wife and mother but I also would have told you I wanted to be a pediatric surgeon.  Like most millennials, I forged my path straight to college.  I got good grades, took the MCAT for medical school, and graduated at the top of my class.  However, I took a year to expand my skill set and see the world as a non-student; however when I got accepted to medical school I made the decision not to go.  I looked ahead to many more years of schooling, grueling hours and massive debt and chose a different path... A FAMILY.  Looking back this is the first big decision I made for my children, I wanted to provide them with a life and my time and I didn't want to keep my then boyfriend in a holding path towards the future.   In a few short years, I married my high school sweetheart purchased our first home and got pregnant with our first child.  I vividly remember painting the nursery and asking myself the following questions:

Who will I be when my children are ready to spread their own wings and they don't need me as much anymore?  Is my relationship with my husband strong enough to sit on the back burner until my children leave the nest? Will I know how to fill my time when its time for my children to start lives of their own?

The answer to those questions wasn't easy at first, but with some thought I got some clarity on the subject.  The day my children leave the nest I will be the same person that I am the last day they are with me.  I needed to maintain my own identity outside of just mommy and for me that was the one thing I felt I was most proud of and that was my career and my marriage.  I think that I needed to be fulfilled in different ways while my life would be incomplete without my children my life would also be incomplete without my career. 

I choose to go to work to provide my children with the life, I want for them.  That doesn't mean that its the life everyone believes a child needs.  I want my children to have a sense of independence but still know mommy and daddy love them.  I want them to have two parents that want to spend as much time with them as possible, but I want that sense of self worth that comes with working.  I choose to make time everyday for my husband to ensure a strong relationship, one that my children can learn from.  I want my children to strive to have a marriage like mine and if I want to teach them those lessons, I have to put just as much importance on my marriage as I do on my relationship with my children.

Welcome!!!

First, this blog is an experiment for me.  I have never blogged before but I am looking for a forum to get my thoughts across and be a safe haven and support for working moms everywhere.  My goal is not to criticize other parenting methods or other people's beliefs but rather offer my own insights into what has worked for me.  I think I look at parenting a little differently as most, as a scientist my nature I look at things more analytically and parenting as been no different.  

I am a full-time working mom, with a 1 year old little boy and another on the way (15 weeks!). As a first time mom, I did what most do and scoured the Internet looking for parenting advice.  What I found was most of the information I found was good information but very hard for me to put into practice being away from my home 45+ hours a week.  I am one of the lucky working moms, I do have my son at home with a nanny minimizing the amount of time I have to be apart from him, however I know that is not the case for most working parents.  Reaching out to other mother's, for me, was difficult as well I couldn't help but feeling judged for being a working mother.  Everyone assumed that the decision to continue working was purely financial, but in my experience it was much more than that.  Who was I if my entire identity could be summed up by wife and mother.  What did those two words mean?  Could I be a good mother if I didn't know who I was myself?  Could I be a good wife to my husband if my entire identity was tied to someone who shared half my genetic code?  I love my family and would do anything for them, but aren't I more productive and loving to them if I love myself?

I chose to work, however I choose everyday to make time for my family.  Just as I choose to go to work, I make the choice to sit on the floor and play with my son, I make the choice to cook dinner for the family each night, I make the choice to sit at the table and eat as a family, I make the choice for bath/bedtime to be family time and not a chore, and I make the choice to spend time with my husband alone every night to make sure that relationship still thrives as well.  Isn't that what parenting is about, making choices?  The choices that you think are best for your child?  While time with your child is precious they grow up way faster than nature should allow, I question is less time better in the long run if the majority of that time is quality time?