“Motherhood can be seen as a liability”

A good friend of mine and also a working mother forwarded me an article about one woman’s experience working at Amazon. (The article can be found here)  This article was in response to the NY Times article recently posted, explaining her experience when she had a baby and was diagnosed with cancer during her tenure at Amazon.  My friend and I started reading comments on both articles sending  snippets back and forth though G-chat and commenting on the stories we were reading.  As a working mother precious hours have come back into my life from the use of Amazon Prime.  My doorstep is littered almost daily with these prime boxes bringing almost anything to my door from diapers to new shoes to sunscreen.   I commented I wanted to find holes in the article because “I really love my prime and I want to have a reason not to cancel.”  Judging from the 5858 comments posted to the article to date, most people are outraged about a company’s desire to have their employees available 24/7 and with over 80 hour work weeks.  Many people commented on their personal acts of protest in canceling their prime accounts.  While the treatment of employees by Amazon is seen my most as immoral and downright wicked, I can’t help but feeling like this is a snapshot of the overall culture in the workplace.  The major difference between Amazon and other workplaces is its pride in this culture.

“Motherhood can be seen as a liability” is a line that stuck out to me in the article.  I think the author makes a great point here.  Mothers (and fathers) are often unable to sustain an 80+ hour work week and still care for their children.  Employees often experience that having children will prevent them from putting in the hours necessary for advancement.   When time is taken off for having children it often stalls your career or in the case of many of the woman who posted the follow-up article put on a performance improvement plan due to missing months of work and “falling behind” fellow co-workers.  Shouldn’t we start to evaluate the problem?   While people are quick to point fingers at Amazon and start their own personal strike from Amazon, the bigger problem still exists.  Most laws are written to favor the employer.  There is still no legally mandated paid maternity or paternity leave; these are considered to be benefits not rights to the worker.   Salaried exempt employees can be forced to work exuberant numbers of hours with no additional compensation.  What other instances would be okay with paying the same amount and getting less?  I know I would be mad if all of a sudden I went to buy my $3 dozen egg container and only received one egg.  Who would be ok with paying $3 an egg instead of the usual 25¢?  Isn’t that what is happening in the workplace?  Employers are paying an employee $400/week for 40 hours as their salary but now the employer is expecting 80 hours a week; the same employee is making 50% less for what?  While we all balk at these practices nonetheless we all comply out of fear or retribution.  We are more focused on creating a life than we are on living our lives.

In writing this post, I have reflected on my own household.  I would be proud to declare that I work 7am – 3pm in my corporate job, my husband 7:30am – 4pm.  We then come home and focus on our family, no distractions just good solid family time.  Is that really the case?  Recently, my toddler picked up and old non-working computer that we have set aside a toy and happily sat and banged on the keyboard.  I asked him what he’s was doing and he replied with “ I work” in those toddler words that just instantly melt your heart.  Where did he learn that? Obviously he learned that from my husband and me, we’ve obviously been on our computers working during the time that we define as “family time.”  How many nights at my house consisted of my husband and I sitting on our couch computers in our laps keeping an eye on sleeping kids through the baby monitor catching up on emails or reviewing documents.  Many more nights that I would care to admit.

Despite this, we are the lucky ones.  We work for employers that are considered to be “family friendly.”  I’ve always been allowed 12 weeks maternity leave however only 5 weeks are actually paid and they are paid through short-term disability (don’t even get me started on how pregnancy and having a child is a disability).  My husband has been fortunate enough to work for employers that gave him 2 weeks paid paternity leave and allowed him to take longer terms off using vacation time.  Despite our “family friendly” employers no one balks when they get an email response at 11pm many times they respond themselves.   Many companies are in the news about how they are expanding paternal leave and have new policies regarding work-life balance.  But in the words of one of the NY time interviewees “work comes first, family comes second and trying to find a balance comes last.”  In the end of the day it’s all about making money and the worker comes second….. or third. 

The workplace should consider some of the skills required to be a parent as marketable skills.  As a mother I have learned to multitask in a way that I never thought possible.  I am more organized and more focused than previously.  I’ve also matured in a way that I would not have otherwise in my opinion.  Anyone who has ever had interactions with a toddler will tell you that can certainly teach you how to think outside the box.  I’m more patient an area that many of my co-workers would attest was a definite area for improvement.  Just as everything in my work life comes into my home life, everything in my home life comes into my work life.

 I’m thankful for this Amazon article and to every Amazon employee.  While Amazon maybe the extreme, the struggle of being a good parent and a good employee is one of thousands of Americans.   By highlighting the struggles of Amazon employees, hopefully some change can occur. At what point do we value our lives more than the number on our W2?  Are we going to sit on our death bed and contemplate the promotion we didn’t get or will it be the missed sporting events?

The Balancing Act

Recently, some friends were at my home and a conversation ensued about everyone’s jobs.  One person in particular, a relatively recent college grad, commented on the numbers of hours she was working.  She commented that many of the other employees have to leave early or at a specific time because they have children at home and it wasn’t fair that she was left “picking up their slack.”  As a working mother myself that made me very sad and made me wonder if that is what my co-workers think of me.  My work schedule is dictated by my child care schedule.  Often time working parents utilize daycare for their children while they are at work.  Daycares charge sizeable fees if you are late picking up your child which become a burden on the family.  Not to mention the need for a child to spend time with their parents.  School aged children get off the bus at a specific time often necessitating for a parent to be home to meet them.  As a mother my first responsibility is to my family conversely as an employee it is expected my first responsibility be to my employer.

There is a lot of discussion surrounding work life balance.  What is work life balance?  America is one of the only industrialized countries where such little emphasis is placed on the family.  According to the Center for American Progress, 90 percent of working mothers and 95 percent of working fathers report work-family conflict.   The idea of the 40 hour work week and leaving work at the office seem to be a thing of the past.  Marriages are currently toting only a 50-60% success rate and the number of marriages per year is also declining.  I find these statistics both troubling and telling.  It appears as the demands of the work force are increasing the focus on the individual and the family is declining.  Online dating has become a norm, even finding a partner has become streamlined due to people having less free time.  The expectations of the individual to the company are usually very defined through job descriptions, annual goals ect., however what responsibility do companies have to their employees?  It appears to me this is often less defined.

Why should my co-worker who does not have children have more pressure placed on them to put more hours in at the office?  They as an individual need time to grow and explore their interests.   If I put my family first is it going to stall my career? Should I pick up the computer and work instead of playing in the yard with my kids?  I’ve heard of my co-workers reading reports to their young children as a bedtime story or answering emails when up for a midnight feeding with the baby.

I personally struggle with the balance.  Isn’t the goal in doing a good job to get rewarded and promoted?  In my experience you need to go above and beyond your expected job goals to advance in the workplace.  If the expectations of my employer are that which are detrimental to my family I am forced with a choice.  I want to be successful in my career but I also want to be a good mother.  I ask myself looking back on my life will I be more upset if I miss this time with my kids or will I be more upset that I didn’t get a specific promotion?  The answer is often to put work aside and spend the time with my family but I also feel like my career is in a holding pattern as a result. 

Will the struggle ever change?  I hope for my kids it does.  If not for me, for them.  If we continue in this direction the family as we know it is going to be a thing of the past.  No one should ever feel like they have to work 70 hours a week just to be successful.  I wonder with people working that many hours, how many of them are truly productive or are people so worn out they can’t get as much done.  I hope the family and the individual become more of a focus.   I’m going to continue to struggle with the balance every day, I love my family and I love my career and they are going to remain in competition for my time.

Cutting Maternity Leave Short

Cutting my maternity short was a heart wrenching decision for me.  I found myself in a difficult situation at the start of my maternity leave.  Before going on leave I was in a dead end job (literally the date everyone was getting laid off was announced) where morale was low and the tasks monotonous.  My growth potential there had expired however my loyalty still hadn't waivered.  Little did I know a job offer would come my way before my husband's paternity leave even expired.  There was a bit of a catch, I couldn't wait the 12 weeks I had set aside for maternity leave, I was going to have to return to work when my youngest was only 8 weeks old.

I struggled with the decision to go back for days on end.  For the purpose of this post I will comment only on those pertaining to my family and not about leaving a job that I loved. I would be lying if I said I did not consider becoming a stay at home mom.  Financially my family would be fine, we would have to make some changes to our life style but we would be ok.  I thought longingly about spending all day with my boys.  The places we'ed go, the things we would do but then I also realized staying at home wouldn't be the same as maternity leave it would be life and not a vacation.  I wouldn't have people coming over all the time to see the new baby ect.  My days (and finanaces) would not be as carefree as they were on maternity leave.

GUILT was the #1 feeling that I struggled with.  As the oldest of 3, I have always been taught that everything between siblings should be equal.  I stayed home with my first for 12 weeks it wasn't equal if I only stayed home with my second for 8 weeks.  Did that mean I loved my first more? I had retained all of my vacation time to prepare for my maternity leave.  I struggled with feeling like I shouldn't have saved that time instead of spending it with my family. 

I felt torn.  With my first son, I loved every minute of being a mom but at the same time I craved adult interaction and the challenge that work provided.  On the other hand, after my second I loved being home every minute.  The hours of circular conversation with my toddler about the sounds a cow makes or which ball we should throw were pure bliss.  The silent moments feeding and cuddling my second felt like I was on vacation.  At no point did I yearn for that adult interaction or challenge.  Again I felt guilt for feeling differently after my second than my first.

Eventually, I came to the decision to take the new job opportunity and cut my maternity leave short. Why for all the reasons that I chose to be a working mom in the first place (See my previous post Why Go Back to Work????).  I realized all my hesitations came back to one thing I FELT GUILTY.  It wasn't until I read a quote written to a first child that I was able to analyze my feelings.

                      "You see I want to get it all RIGHT because I've messed up so 

                        much in the past with you.  I feel like I owe it to you.  You gave

                        me the greatest gift possible.  You made me a mom.  In the 

                        most intense way possible, YOU are my baby."

Things between my children were never going to be the same.  My first will always be my first and my second my second.  My first son made me a mom and I will never be able to thank him for that but my second has made me a better mom and a different mom.  My second isn't going to grow up harboring resentment that mommy went back to work early, the same way my oldest doesn't remember all the mess ups that we had.  They love me for being their mommy just that plain and simple.

I also realized that it wasn't that I wanted to stay home with just my youngest, I wanted to be with both of my boys.  I resolved to make our nights and weekends about family time.  I'm one of the lucky ones to have a family member babysit while I am at work.  I made my working hours such that I am home for more of my children's waking hours than they are awake with their Mimi watching them.  

I have come to terms with my decision and looking back I wouldn't have made a different decision.  While I miss my boys when I'm at work; nothing compares with the big smiles, hugs and kisses I get when I get home.

Welcome!!!

First, this blog is an experiment for me.  I have never blogged before but I am looking for a forum to get my thoughts across and be a safe haven and support for working moms everywhere.  My goal is not to criticize other parenting methods or other people's beliefs but rather offer my own insights into what has worked for me.  I think I look at parenting a little differently as most, as a scientist my nature I look at things more analytically and parenting as been no different.  

I am a full-time working mom, with a 1 year old little boy and another on the way (15 weeks!). As a first time mom, I did what most do and scoured the Internet looking for parenting advice.  What I found was most of the information I found was good information but very hard for me to put into practice being away from my home 45+ hours a week.  I am one of the lucky working moms, I do have my son at home with a nanny minimizing the amount of time I have to be apart from him, however I know that is not the case for most working parents.  Reaching out to other mother's, for me, was difficult as well I couldn't help but feeling judged for being a working mother.  Everyone assumed that the decision to continue working was purely financial, but in my experience it was much more than that.  Who was I if my entire identity could be summed up by wife and mother.  What did those two words mean?  Could I be a good mother if I didn't know who I was myself?  Could I be a good wife to my husband if my entire identity was tied to someone who shared half my genetic code?  I love my family and would do anything for them, but aren't I more productive and loving to them if I love myself?

I chose to work, however I choose everyday to make time for my family.  Just as I choose to go to work, I make the choice to sit on the floor and play with my son, I make the choice to cook dinner for the family each night, I make the choice to sit at the table and eat as a family, I make the choice for bath/bedtime to be family time and not a chore, and I make the choice to spend time with my husband alone every night to make sure that relationship still thrives as well.  Isn't that what parenting is about, making choices?  The choices that you think are best for your child?  While time with your child is precious they grow up way faster than nature should allow, I question is less time better in the long run if the majority of that time is quality time?