#mommyfail

#mommyfail I feel this hash tag could sum up my feelings at least once a day... especially now with two. 
Everytime my son falls down or bumps into something I feel the size of an ant.   Isn't my job to protect my children, make sure they never get hurt or ever feel sad? If I was doing my job as a mom they would never get hurt or know pain or be upset.  Since I don't own two bubbles to keep them in I've had to lower my expectations.
Anyone who has boys know the rough and tumble life that has become my norm.  My toddler has developed this habit of yelling out "I'm ok" after he tumbles to the ground.
Recently, a series of events unfolded in my house that culminated in my toddler needing ice and my infant being carried across the room by the same toddler.  As any mom would; I felt like a failure.  I called my husband and told him about my failure and about my concerns, and looked to him for encouragement that I could continue through the day.  That evening still wrought with guilt I said to my toddler as I put him to bed I love you and tomorrow mommy will do better.  He turned to me and gave me a big hug and said I love you too for the first time.  After the happy tears streamed down my face I had a realization.  No matter how many times I "fail" I'm still mommy.  That doesn't matter to my boys... all that matters to them is mommy being there.
That was the moment when I chose to focus on my #mommywin instead of #mommyfail.   Every little victory is worth celebrating.  I made a choice to stop letting myself feel guilty and embrace what I do well or my small accomplishments.  Being a mommy is hard work, there is no manual, no days off and alot of overtime but it's also the most rewarding job I have ever had.  I would encourage all mommies to focus on their #mommywin instead of the #mommyfail and get the sense of satisfaction I have been able to find.

Now there's two

A little over 5 weeks ago, my second son was born.  Up to this point all of my focus had been directed at one child, how would I divide my time to care for two?  I vividly remember my second night at the hospital (night 1 I was actively in labor and giving birth after putting my toddler to bed), my husband was home putting our toddler to bed and it was the first time it was just me and the new baby.  I remember feeling like I was cheating on my toddler by not being home to put him to bed.  I looked at this precious baby sleeping in my arms and I began to cry.  How was I going to do this? I had these two little boys that somehow instantaneously I loved the same amount but at the same time very differently who needed their mommy.  In that moment I felt as though I was choosing one over the other.  Would my toddler resent me for "choosing" to be with his brother? The answer was no... he came to the hospital the next morning excited to see mom, the fact I wasn't home wasn't a concern for him what he wanted to know was if I could get him juice.  In the end of the day I was his mom and that's all the really mattered.

Fast foward to that afternoon, I was at home, back on my own turf and ready to take on this new challenge.  I was still scared but at the same time I was very excited.  I found out rather quickly the more I got my toddler involved the smoother things would go.  "I help" quickly became his new catch phase and things fell into place.  I learned that the baby needed to be strapped into something anytime I set him down for fear his big brother would "help" by picking him up.  I learned never to count on both kids napping at the same time.  I learned to dress both kids in the same room otherwise I would spend the morning chasing my toddler around.  I learned I would probably not finish a meal for the next two years.  Most importantly I learned that it's ok to ask for help.  No one is infallible, no matter how short I fall on my quest to be super mom my boys see me as super mom.

My first son forever changed who I am as a person forever, he's the one who made me a mom.  I will never be able to thank him enough for giving me that gift.  My second son gave me an equal gift, yes I was already a mom but he taught me about love.  Up until the birth of the second son I still believed that my ability to love was "maxed out."  Love isn't like a credit card there is no preset limit there is always more room to love.  The love you have for your children isn't like anything else in this world it such a special love and this love makes me so excited for what life has in store for me and my little guys.