I called my
husband as I left the interview for my dream job, willing to bet I would get an
offer in the next few days. I remember
the energy I felt, the passion for a project that would hopefully become my 3rd
baby in a few short weeks. I remember
telling my husband that I hadn’t felt this way about work in a very long
time. The interview had been amazing; not one of those stuffy tell me about a time you encountered conflict and how
did you handle it type of interviews, but a truly interactive and stimulating
interview. I headed home to my little
family utterly excited about the next chapter for me.
I should
step back however and explain why I was so drawn to this opportunity. I was excited for the work itself, yes, but I
was most excited about the idea of working from home. I had been playing with the idea for months
to continue working or quit my job and become a stay at home mom. The draw to be home with my children was not
something that I could ignore anymore.
Working from home seemed to be the perfect answer. I had visions of cooking my children
breakfast while answering my morning emails.
I envisioned lunch breaks at the park or playing in the back yard. I tried to be reasonable with my
expectations. I knew I would still need
the same nanny arrangement that I currently had to ensure there would be time
in my day for work but the idea was so alluring.
Now the downside…..
TRAVEL. At first the idea didn't seem so bad. Many of the clients were located a drive able distance or a 45 minute commuter flight. One client was across the country in CA but I could handle 1 or 2 trips a year I would just bring the kids and hubby with me. Everything would work out. See my oldest is 2 1/2 years old. I've left him 3 nights in his entire life. 1 when he was 6 weeks old, 1 for a wedding in which I made sure to dedicate the day to him and 1 night when I gave birth to his brother. My 10 month old has never gone to bed with out his mother. The idea of their possibly being a day when I wouldn't see my children seemed unbearable. I know children need some independence and I do get that but I don't know if I'm ok with not seeing my children everyday.
I spent days telling myself it would be ok. It's not like I would be leaving them with strangers I would be leaving them with their FATHER. If I'm not with them isn't their daddy the next best thing? My husband was so supportive he kept telling me to do what made me happy. What would make me happy? My career is important to me but my family is my world.
While sitting in the dark while my toddler babbled away fighting his heavy eye lids, tears began to run down my face. It wasn't that long ago his broken sentences made little sense and much to the imagination. Now I get a full recap of his day (starting with the theme of today's episode of paw patrol), what was he going to be like 6 months from now? My little baby is making strides into toddlerhood, cruising all around the house. What happened if he took his 1st step while I was away on business?
The next morning I turned my dream job down. A little sadness washed over me as I pressed send but I knew it was the right decision for my children. I didn't count on what happened next. The company re-extended a more lucrative offer. At that moment I second guessed my decision. I mean it feels really good to be wanted that badly. I spent a few days replaying my decision in my head. This time I picked up the phone and called someone I consider to be an amazing mentor. She is the person I want to be when I grow up! Ultimately, I stuck with my decision and haven't looked back but I learned some important lessons along the way.
I am both a mom and a business person. I always wanted to be the person who had it all and did it all. But the reality is no matter what decision you make in life something is going to have to give. In my case, I want to make sure I have quality and abundant time with my children everyday and I'm not willing to give up even one day. That by no means is the right answer for everyone. I know with that decision I have to temper my expectations of myself in regards to my career progression. With higher positions comes more responsibility. That is a responsibility that I can not take on right now and I have to be ok with that. Lesson learned!!!
Hats off the all the super moms, you are my inspiration.
