To my
husband, after I’ve had two kids,
Do you remember a time before we had kids? Do you remember staying in bed until 11am on
Saturday morning and trying to decide if we should have breakfast, no lunch, no
breakfast? Do you remember
vacations? Do you remember lying on the
beach for hours reading a book? I would
pack more bikinis than days we were vacationing with lingerie to match. Do you remember going to dinner at a
restaurant? That feels like a lifetime
ago. Actually it was two lifetimes ago.
Before my mind was always consumed with the kid’s schedules, spending
time with them, and finding “family activities” for every weekend. Back when I had confidence. Where did that confidence go? It seems to have gone missing with the body I
used to have. The first time it was so
easy to get my baby back, not so easy the second time. The extra 10 lbs and the stretch marks are a
constant reminder of both the person I lost and the miracles that I
gained.
This
caught me by surprise. I was thinner
after baby #1 than on our wedding day.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
This wasn’t the dream that we talked about. We talked about dinner as a family, playing
in the backyard, vacations and holidays. We talked about the things we would teach them
and the memories we would make. We talked about how we would live not how we would
feel. Me post partum baby 2 is very
different. What will I look like post
partum baby 3 or 4? Will there even be
hope for me to find myself. Will the
girl that you saw on your wedding day ever come back?
I
cringe when I think about who I have become.
So shy, so unsure of myself.
These other moms bounce right back.
They are so confident with their “mommy bodies.” I’m jealous of those mom’s that can balance
themselves and their kids. The ones that
still find time to get their nails done and juggle 4 babies. After 2 pregnancies, after two labors, after
thousands of bottles and diapers changed I seem to lost myself. I know she has to be right under my nose but
I can’t find her. I think she’s hiding
under the mountains of toys or the clothes that I aspire to fit into
again. I pray the old me comes back
sometimes but I know she won’t. She’s
gone, I’ve been changed by these two little faces that look up at me so
lovingly every day.
So meet
the new me, mommy of two. While I’m
struggling to love me, you’re not. You still
look at me like we’re 16 years old. I
still catch you sneaking peeks when I am bending over. You don’t judge me when I’m eating a bowl of
ice cream for dinner at 9pm. You never
point out when I’m being unreasonable. You
back me up when I go into “mama bear mode.”
You love me. You have the confidence
in me that I lost. I’m trying hard to
see what you see, honestly I am trying.
I promise I will love myself again, I will get there.
Thank-you! Thank-you for the beautiful life that we
have. Thank-you for loving me no matter
what. Thank you for always thinking I’m
the prettiest, smartest and sexiest girl in the room. Thank you for our family. Thank you for making put that bikini back on J.