An Open Letter To My Husband After Two Kids

To my husband, after I’ve had two kids,

Do you remember a time before we had kids?  Do you remember staying in bed until 11am on Saturday morning and trying to decide if we should have breakfast, no lunch, no breakfast?  Do you remember vacations?  Do you remember lying on the beach for hours reading a book?  I would pack more bikinis than days we were vacationing with lingerie to match.  Do you remember going to dinner at a restaurant?  That feels like a lifetime ago.  Actually it was two lifetimes ago.  Before my mind was always consumed with the kid’s schedules, spending time with them, and finding “family activities” for every weekend.  Back when I had confidence.  Where did that confidence go?  It seems to have gone missing with the body I used to have.  The first time it was so easy to get my baby back, not so easy the second time.  The extra 10 lbs and the stretch marks are a constant reminder of both the person I lost and the miracles that I gained. 

This caught me by surprise.  I was thinner after baby #1 than on our wedding day.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  This wasn’t the dream that we talked about.  We talked about dinner as a family, playing in the backyard, vacations and holidays.  We talked about the things we would teach them and the memories we would make. We talked about how we would live not how we would feel.  Me post partum baby 2 is very different.  What will I look like post partum baby 3 or 4?  Will there even be hope for me to find myself.  Will the girl that you saw on your wedding day ever come back?

I cringe when I think about who I have become.  So shy, so unsure of myself.  These other moms bounce right back.  They are so confident with their “mommy bodies.”  I’m jealous of those mom’s that can balance themselves and their kids.  The ones that still find time to get their nails done and juggle 4 babies.  After 2 pregnancies, after two labors, after thousands of bottles and diapers changed I seem to lost myself.  I know she has to be right under my nose but I can’t find her.  I think she’s hiding under the mountains of toys or the clothes that I aspire to fit into again.  I pray the old me comes back sometimes but I know she won’t.  She’s gone, I’ve been changed by these two little faces that look up at me so lovingly every day. 

So meet the new me, mommy of two.  While I’m struggling to love me, you’re not.  You still look at me like we’re 16 years old.  I still catch you sneaking peeks when I am bending over.  You don’t judge me when I’m eating a bowl of ice cream for dinner at 9pm.  You never point out when I’m being unreasonable.  You back me up when I go into “mama bear mode.”  You love me.  You have the confidence in me that I lost.  I’m trying hard to see what you see, honestly I am trying.  I promise I will love myself again, I will get there.

Thank-you!  Thank-you for the beautiful life that we have.  Thank-you for loving me no matter what.  Thank you for always thinking I’m the prettiest, smartest and sexiest girl in the room.  Thank you for our family.  Thank you for making put that bikini back on J.

Becoming a mother has changed me.....

Becoming a mother changed me; I became a softer version of myself.  I learned more patience, my priorities shifted off myself and onto this other person.  I learned (okay maybe not learned but am working on) to not use curse words in my everyday life.  I was happy, I felt like I had found my purpose in life.  All the hard work I had put in, all the “right” decisions that I made were all worth it.

Being a mom of two has turned me into a completely different person, even more different than I was with one.   I have learned that both eating and sleeping are optional activities despite being told otherwise for the majority of my life.  I learned it is possible to hold two kids, while cooking dinner and cleaning the house.  But on a serious note, when I became a mom of two there was no more time for me.  My focus became entirely on my family.  My two sons and my husband.  I crave family time all the time.  During my commute, I think about activities for the weekend and wish my Monday through Thursday away just waiting for the weekend to hit and to spend time with my boys.

When I started blogging I started because I was frustrated with not being able to find a safe place to discuss my feelings with like-minded people.  Now I find myself in a new place, I do not share a mindset with the SAH mom’s nor do I share a mindset with the career focused working mothers nor the mothers who work out of necessity.  I shared before that my household does not need me to work that we could make ends meet on one income, however I want to work.  In recent months, however, my career just hasn’t been as important to me.  Yes, I want to do a good job at work when I am there but I want to maximize my time at home and minimize my time at work.  This is a complete shift from who I was as a person just a few months ago, let alone a few years ago.  I was so career driven, where has that gone.

I question is the shift a result of two children or a result of the growth of my children?  My older son is aware now.  He can (and will) parrot back anything that you say (yes its gotten me in trouble a few times), he has his own mind and recently started giving me a full recap of his day (normally starting with what he had for lunch).  My younger son is 4 months old he’s sitting unassisted and giggling at me daily.  He’s changing before my eyes and I don’t want to miss any changes or milestones.  Its so hard to leave that every morning. 

Does this shift have nothing to do with my family and more with my passion for my career?   I recently made a career switch that was driven by circumstance and not because I was unhappy.  However a big motivation for taking this job was the schedule and location which allow for more time with my children.  Which then circles me back to wanting to be with my kids.

I’ve noticed the same change in my husband as well.  While my husband is very focused still on building his career he also is looking for a shorter commute to increase his “family time.”  He shares in the same “Sunday night depression” that I find myself falling into every week.  He takes vacation days from work just to stay home with the kids.

I wonder is this just normal family evolution? Is this a stage that I will grow out of?  I still want to expand my family in the future how will my feelings change then?  

Why is working becoming so hard?

I previously told the story of how I had to make the gut wrenching decision to go back to work early (See Cutting Maternity Leave Short). I struggled for quite some time with my decision to go back to work.  I’ve settled into a position with a shorter work week and therefore more time with the little ones but I can’t help but shaking this nagging feeling.  I know that in my life plan being a SAHM isn’t in it but somedays I wish there was such a thing as a SAHM leave or longer maternity leave in the US.  If I were in Europe I would still be home with my little ones.   I find myself watching the clock during the day thinking longingly about when its appropriate to leave and go home to my littles.  I was never like that before.  I would be caught up in my job, consequently leaving late and calling my child’s caregiver apologizing for being late… ooopps haha.

I’m so happy at home with our little family.  I feel like my relationship with my husband is at an all-time high (and that’s saying something since we’ve been together for almost 13 years).  My relationship with my boys is great.  My toddler is a ball of energy and you can just see the wheels turning in his head all the time.  Even my infant is at a point where he is getting interactive.  I’m smiling from ear to ear the second I walk in the door every day.   My infant has started sleeping 8 hours at night and even waking with him early in the morning for a feeding and some snuggle time seems like a blessing.  Once I step out the door each morning for work it seems that I am just pushing through until I can return home again.

I’m struggling with this departure in my personality.  Am I really that different of a person or is it simply as I grow my priorities change?  Everyone grows with each different life experience but I’ve had a child before, true this is my first time having two children but is that really changing me that much?  I’m inclined to think not.  However I cannot pin point where my departure in my personality is coming from.  I do not want to fix the problem, however I am struggling with how to cope with the problem.  Being away from your family is hard enough without the extra anxiety that I am feeling.  I wonder how many other mother’s share my feelings.  Is this a silent epidemic or am I the only one experiencing this phenomenon? 

I know working now will be better in the long run but right now it feels like the hard decision.  I guess for now I focus on loving my boys (all 3 of them) and know that it will all be worth it in the long run.

Cutting Maternity Leave Short

Cutting my maternity short was a heart wrenching decision for me.  I found myself in a difficult situation at the start of my maternity leave.  Before going on leave I was in a dead end job (literally the date everyone was getting laid off was announced) where morale was low and the tasks monotonous.  My growth potential there had expired however my loyalty still hadn't waivered.  Little did I know a job offer would come my way before my husband's paternity leave even expired.  There was a bit of a catch, I couldn't wait the 12 weeks I had set aside for maternity leave, I was going to have to return to work when my youngest was only 8 weeks old.

I struggled with the decision to go back for days on end.  For the purpose of this post I will comment only on those pertaining to my family and not about leaving a job that I loved. I would be lying if I said I did not consider becoming a stay at home mom.  Financially my family would be fine, we would have to make some changes to our life style but we would be ok.  I thought longingly about spending all day with my boys.  The places we'ed go, the things we would do but then I also realized staying at home wouldn't be the same as maternity leave it would be life and not a vacation.  I wouldn't have people coming over all the time to see the new baby ect.  My days (and finanaces) would not be as carefree as they were on maternity leave.

GUILT was the #1 feeling that I struggled with.  As the oldest of 3, I have always been taught that everything between siblings should be equal.  I stayed home with my first for 12 weeks it wasn't equal if I only stayed home with my second for 8 weeks.  Did that mean I loved my first more? I had retained all of my vacation time to prepare for my maternity leave.  I struggled with feeling like I shouldn't have saved that time instead of spending it with my family. 

I felt torn.  With my first son, I loved every minute of being a mom but at the same time I craved adult interaction and the challenge that work provided.  On the other hand, after my second I loved being home every minute.  The hours of circular conversation with my toddler about the sounds a cow makes or which ball we should throw were pure bliss.  The silent moments feeding and cuddling my second felt like I was on vacation.  At no point did I yearn for that adult interaction or challenge.  Again I felt guilt for feeling differently after my second than my first.

Eventually, I came to the decision to take the new job opportunity and cut my maternity leave short. Why for all the reasons that I chose to be a working mom in the first place (See my previous post Why Go Back to Work????).  I realized all my hesitations came back to one thing I FELT GUILTY.  It wasn't until I read a quote written to a first child that I was able to analyze my feelings.

                      "You see I want to get it all RIGHT because I've messed up so 

                        much in the past with you.  I feel like I owe it to you.  You gave

                        me the greatest gift possible.  You made me a mom.  In the 

                        most intense way possible, YOU are my baby."

Things between my children were never going to be the same.  My first will always be my first and my second my second.  My first son made me a mom and I will never be able to thank him for that but my second has made me a better mom and a different mom.  My second isn't going to grow up harboring resentment that mommy went back to work early, the same way my oldest doesn't remember all the mess ups that we had.  They love me for being their mommy just that plain and simple.

I also realized that it wasn't that I wanted to stay home with just my youngest, I wanted to be with both of my boys.  I resolved to make our nights and weekends about family time.  I'm one of the lucky ones to have a family member babysit while I am at work.  I made my working hours such that I am home for more of my children's waking hours than they are awake with their Mimi watching them.  

I have come to terms with my decision and looking back I wouldn't have made a different decision.  While I miss my boys when I'm at work; nothing compares with the big smiles, hugs and kisses I get when I get home.