Why I Turned Down My “Dream Job”

I called my husband as I left the interview for my dream job, willing to bet I would get an offer in the next few days.  I remember the energy I felt, the passion for a project that would hopefully become my 3^rd baby in a few short weeks.  I remember telling my husband that I hadn’t felt this way about work in a very long time.  The interview had been amazing; not one of those stuffy tell me about a time you encountered conflict and how did you handle it type of interviews, but a truly interactive and stimulating interview.  I headed home to my little family utterly excited about the next chapter for me.

I should step back however and explain why I was so drawn to this opportunity.  I was excited for the work itself, yes, but I was most excited about the idea of working from home.  I had been playing with the idea for months to continue working or quit my job and become a stay at home mom.  The draw to be home with my children was not something that I could ignore anymore.  Working from home seemed to be the perfect answer.  I had visions of cooking my children breakfast while answering my morning emails.  I envisioned lunch breaks at the park or playing in the back yard.  I tried to be reasonable with my expectations.  I knew I would still need the same nanny arrangement that I currently had to ensure there would be time in my day for work but the idea was so alluring.

Now the downside….. TRAVEL.  At first the idea didn't seem so bad.  Many of the clients were located a drive able distance or a 45 minute commuter flight.  One client was across the country in CA but I could handle 1 or 2 trips a year I would just bring the kids and hubby with me.  Everything would work out.  See my oldest is 2 1/2 years old.  I've left him 3 nights in his entire life.  1 when he was 6 weeks old, 1 for a wedding in which I made sure to dedicate the day to him and 1 night when I gave birth to his brother.  My 10 month old has never gone to bed with out his mother.  The idea of their possibly being a day when I wouldn't see my children seemed unbearable.  I know children need some independence and I do get that but I don't know if I'm ok with not seeing my children everyday.

I spent days telling myself it would be ok.  It's not like I would be leaving them with strangers I would be leaving them with their FATHER.  If I'm not with them isn't their daddy the next best thing? My husband was so supportive he kept telling me to do what made me happy.  What would make me happy?  My career is important to me but my family is my world.  

While sitting in the dark while my toddler babbled away fighting his heavy eye lids, tears began to run down my face.  It wasn't that long ago his broken sentences made little sense and much to the imagination.  Now I get a full recap of his day (starting with the theme of today's episode of paw patrol), what was he going to be like 6 months from now? My little baby is making strides into toddlerhood, cruising all around the house.  What happened if he took his 1st step while I was away on business?

The next morning I turned my dream job down.  A little sadness washed over me as I pressed send but I knew it was the right decision for my children.  I didn't count on what happened next.  The company re-extended a more lucrative offer.  At that moment I second guessed my decision.  I mean it feels really good to be wanted that badly.  I spent a few days replaying my decision in my head.  This time I picked up the phone and called someone I consider to be an amazing mentor.  She is the person I want to be when I grow up!   Ultimately, I stuck with my decision and haven't looked back but I learned some important lessons along the way.

I am both a mom and a business person.  I always wanted to be the person who had it all and did it all.  But the reality is no matter what decision you make in life something is going to have to give.  In my case, I want to make sure I have quality and abundant time with my children everyday and I'm not willing to give up even one day.  That by no means is the right answer for everyone.  I know with that decision I have to temper my expectations of myself in regards to my career progression.  With higher positions comes more responsibility. That is a responsibility that I can not take on right now and I have to be ok with that.  Lesson learned!!!

Hats off the all the super moms, you are my inspiration.

More Working Parents = More Quality Time with Children

But what does the modern family look like?

I recently read an article about a “modern parenting crisis.”  The article describes the author’s childhood and the “benign neglect” he experienced.  His afternoons spent blissfully entertaining himself while his parents spent their time engaged in their own interests and experiences.  The article then highlights a surprising fact; mothers who spend more time working spend MORE time with their children than did our stay at home parents.  Additionally, as a whole, contemporary fathers spend more time with their children than did previous generations.  The article’s author then spends the remainder of the article arguing for how parents should be more involved in self-care and teach their children to be more self-sufficient. 

With that being said, the idea of working parents spending more one on one or more focused time with their children stuck with me.  I’ve spent many hours now thinking on this, maybe for my own comfort or maybe because I am delusional; I am finding some merit in the argument.  As a working mother, I feel as if the time in which I am not at work belongs to my children, for better or for worse (better in my opinion but my eternal need for a manicure may speak against that).  Chores, shopping ect are reserved for when my children are sleeping.  I will run an errand or two during the week on my lunch break, half of the contents of my house come from Amazon but when I am home my focus is on my children.

I am not arguing that stay at home parents do not show their children love or affection.  Nor am I arguing they are lesser parents at all however I feel as though when you have the entire cake you don’t savor every bite the same as you do when you only have a slice.  I’m as guilty as the next person of spending too much time on social media and recently I have noticed a trend.  My stay at home mommy friends are some of the most frequent posters on my feeds however a lot of what they post is not centered on their children.  They are not checking in at the local play area but rather at Starbucks.  They comment on how this is the 4^th time they were at Target this week or how they left the kids with daddy and spent an hour sitting in the car before actually going into the grocery store to do their shopping.  I agree working parents get out and get to socialize at work and stay at home parents do not but I wonder if their days are actually filled with the same level of focused time with their children we working parents envision and envy.

I do wonder, however, if this overall trend of focusing primarily on our children is also contributing to the mounting rate of divorce.  Is my habit of pushing all of the household responsibilities off until the children are asleep hurting my marriage? Would it be better for my children to lose 15 minutes with me and spend that time later focusing on my husband?

I think there has to be a compromise somewhere along the way. Maybe 1 night a week we leave the dirty dishes in the sink and spend that time together?  Maybe the entire family has a cleaning party (my toddler loves getting his spray bottle of water and cleaning like mommy) on Saturday morning?  Maybe the key is making activities that are not traditionally “family activities” into family activities.

I plan on still spending every moment that I can with my children.  I feel like I keep blinking and they are brand new kids.  I do however plan on letting go a little bit (I’m so stereo typically type A it’s going to be a challenge) and embrace the fact that I’m making memories with my husband the same way I am with my children when I’m leaving those dirty dishes in the sink.  One day I will be really sad when I don’t have to walk through a mind field of toys but the one person who will still be by my side is my husband so right now he’s important too.

Personal Space and Pregnancy

I must be way behind the eight ball on this one but this news story on touching pregnant woman’s bellies came up on my facebook newsfeed today.  (http://www.cnn.com/2013/10/28/living/parents-illegal-touching-pregnant-belly/)  I’m amazed that I missed this running in 2013 because the story coincides with my first pregnancy and the experience I was having myself.

In brief, the story discusses how one PA woman filed harassment charges after a random man touched her pregnant belly in the grocery story.  It appeared that the public had mixed emotions on the subject and the man being charged said he thought that was a social norm.  When has touching become a social norm?  While I appreciate the miracle of being pregnant and birth, I do not feel it is an invitation to throw respect for people’s personal space out the window.  I question why it is appropriate to touch a pregnant person’s belly but not some super toned person with 6-pack abs?  

They both have interesting mid sections.  Because mine is hosting another person it’s just free game to touch my belly.  However this does make me wonder if there should be something on the books to deal with this subject directly.  In PA a harassment conviction carries a fine up to $300 and/or up to 90 days in jail.  I do think 90 days in jail is a bit excessive but please respect my person space even if I am taking up more of it.  There are laws on the books for cyber bullying (its literally the offense right below harassment in the PA legislature. 

Following the same theme, why do people think it’s acceptable to touch my baby?  Why when I’m in the grocery store do people think its acceptable to reach into my cart and touch my baby in the baby carrier covered in a blanket.  Don’t they realize they are a big ball or germs?  Or simply my CHILD is a person and not a toy?  Are you going to pay for their health insurance, diapers, formula, clothes ect.  If not don’t touch without permission.

With that being said, many of my friends weren’t the biggest fan of my no touching policies.  Even my husband had to ask permission.  So I wonder  do other people share my sentiments or am I in the minority in thinking personal space should apply to pregnant woman as well