Now there's two

A little over 5 weeks ago, my second son was born.  Up to this point all of my focus had been directed at one child, how would I divide my time to care for two?  I vividly remember my second night at the hospital (night 1 I was actively in labor and giving birth after putting my toddler to bed), my husband was home putting our toddler to bed and it was the first time it was just me and the new baby.  I remember feeling like I was cheating on my toddler by not being home to put him to bed.  I looked at this precious baby sleeping in my arms and I began to cry.  How was I going to do this? I had these two little boys that somehow instantaneously I loved the same amount but at the same time very differently who needed their mommy.  In that moment I felt as though I was choosing one over the other.  Would my toddler resent me for "choosing" to be with his brother? The answer was no... he came to the hospital the next morning excited to see mom, the fact I wasn't home wasn't a concern for him what he wanted to know was if I could get him juice.  In the end of the day I was his mom and that's all the really mattered.

Fast foward to that afternoon, I was at home, back on my own turf and ready to take on this new challenge.  I was still scared but at the same time I was very excited.  I found out rather quickly the more I got my toddler involved the smoother things would go.  "I help" quickly became his new catch phase and things fell into place.  I learned that the baby needed to be strapped into something anytime I set him down for fear his big brother would "help" by picking him up.  I learned never to count on both kids napping at the same time.  I learned to dress both kids in the same room otherwise I would spend the morning chasing my toddler around.  I learned I would probably not finish a meal for the next two years.  Most importantly I learned that it's ok to ask for help.  No one is infallible, no matter how short I fall on my quest to be super mom my boys see me as super mom.

My first son forever changed who I am as a person forever, he's the one who made me a mom.  I will never be able to thank him enough for giving me that gift.  My second son gave me an equal gift, yes I was already a mom but he taught me about love.  Up until the birth of the second son I still believed that my ability to love was "maxed out."  Love isn't like a credit card there is no preset limit there is always more room to love.  The love you have for your children isn't like anything else in this world it such a special love and this love makes me so excited for what life has in store for me and my little guys.

SAH Mom Movement

The SAH (stay - at - home) parent vs working parent debate is a hot topic.  Everywhere you look there is some discussion about the merits of both lifestyle choices.  I belong to a large online community of mothers, many of which are SAH mothers and as a result of one of them posting the following link, I was presented with this news article.

http://6abc.com/family/stay-at-home-mom-wins-praise-from-blogger-husband/637468/

From this news story I searched the internet to find the blog post in question:
http://www.weareglory.com/blog/fathers-you-cant-afford-a-stay-at-home-mom

While I think it is awesome that there is a movement for husbands to appreciate their wives (and vice versa) I feel as though the SAH mom culture and mindset is somewhat offensive to us working mothers.

The author of this blog post writes the argument that the monetary value his SAH wife/mom brings to the family is around $70K.  He comments that aside from "nanny" duties for their child his wife performs the following additional jobs:

• house cleaning
• personal shopper
• chef
• financial assistant
• laundry service

I challenge the author with the question, who do you think completes these additional jobs in a household with two working parents?  The working parent must complete these tasks in addition to their corporate jobs often with a lot less free time.  I would argue that while the working parent may not hold the "nanny" role throughout the work week, the working parent must also act as the manager of their child's care while they are working.  Just as managers are important in the corporate setting, managing your child's care is just as important as physically watching your child.

As a working mother making over $50K a year in addition to "salary" proposed by the author of the weareglory blog post, the monetary value I bring to my family is well over $120K a year.  Anyone would agree that is a very substantial salary.  Why then is there so much focus on the "value" of a SAH parent but no talk on the "value" of a working parent.

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world without added pressure being placed on each other by other parents.  As a working mother I have personally experienced negative commentary from SAH parents about my lack of "love" or "care" for my child or that I am selfish for "going to work and leaving someone to take care of my kid."  To those people I say isn't being a parent hard enough itself without trying to tear each other down?  What is best for my household isn't necessarily what is best for the next person and its not fair to push anyone's agenda onto someone else.

Activities with your Children

I recently had a conversation with another working mother about activities to do with our children.  Living in the northeastern part of the United States, outdoor activities are usually a no go during the winter months with small children.  However, our children want to get out of the house; errands and play dates at other people's houses quickly loose their appeal for little ones.  Recently, I took to Google looking for activities for my child on the weekends and was met with a lot of disappointment.  Most child fun centers only have free playtime on weekdays during working hours which makes it impossible for the working mother to take their child and the weekends are reserved for parties.  Why do places only think that children need places to play during the week? Aren't they loosing out on a lot of potential revenue from working parents?  A lot of fast food restaurants have indoor play areas but do I really want to feed my child fast food just so they have somewhere to play?  I have taken to some creative options to keep my little one entertained in these cold winter months.

1- We got a membership to a local science museum.  He doesn't always understand the science behind the exhibits but he sees the lights and colors and loves all the space to run around.  Plus when special exhibits come to town we can also take him to those free of charge.
2- We purchased a bouncy castle. I know it seems excessive however they are not that expensive.  We purchased this one Here  I push all the furniture to the side of the room and allow him to blow it up and play.
3- Bring outside toys in. Bikes and other ride on toys are usually for outside but we allow one to come into the house each day.  While he's seen the toy before its not always in his usual toys to pick from.
4- Baking This is a great opportunity to let the little one in the kitchen, have some fun and usually make a mess.  My son loves to pour ingredients and to stir.

What are some other indoor activities you have come up with?

Maternity Leave

O maternity leave, how I have a love hate relationship with you. In full disclosure I had the best baby (I know everyone says that but I'll tell you why).  My son slept 18-20 hours a day for the first two months of his life and during month 3 it was about 16 hours.  As I sat home, in the middle of winter with daytime television while my son slept the day away I was overcome with feelings of boredom and loneliness.   I looked forward to going back to work, as I put it "using my brain" and having that social interaction again.  I felt sorry for my husband who I looked to as my only source of daily companionship and whose life I felt I was living vicariously through.  However that all changed around week 10 when my little guy showed his personality.  My days started to fill with playtime and giggles, I wasn't ready to go back to work like I had been a few week prior.  Just as I felt like I was able to bond with my child I was forced to go back to work or risk loosing my job.  This doesn't seem fair to myself or my child.

The United States is one of only 4 countries that does not mandate some form of paid paternal leave. 
The federal standard for maternity leave is 12 weeks of unpaid job-protected leave under the family and medical leave act (http://www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/). How is any two income household supposed to prepare for 3 months without pay on top of all the expenses and medical bills associated with a new baby.  For this fact many parents are left heading back to work before both themselves and their child is ready.  Something needs to be done about this.

This is a petition to change the 12 weeks of unpaid leave to 12 weeks of PAID leave.

https://www.change.org/p/u-s-congress-pass-the-family-act-guarantee-working-americans-paid-family-leave

Breastfeeding

NOTICE: This is not a commentary on whether or not you should breastfeed but rather my experience.  It is not meant to sway people's options in anyway.

From the moment I had my son, I felt a lot of pressure from medical professionals to breast feed.  After many failed attempts, I met with a lactation consultant who told me, your child is never going to latch and handed my a pump to use.  Despite my best efforts in the hospital pumping was not working.  My mother kept saying to me, give your baby some formula to which I would say they are telling us that we have to breast feed him.  On the second day in the hospital, I had a very hungry very cranky baby.  My mother brought some formula and gave it to my son, he immediately latched to the bottle and began eating.  He was so happy.  A nurse came into the room and both my husband and myself felt the need to hide the formula.  Why did we feel that way, we were feeding our child the best way we knew how and yet we felt ashamed for formula feeding.

Leaving the hospital my son had lost significant weight, so much so that we had to take him to the pediatrician the next morning.  While the nurse at the pediatrician's office gave us paperwork and a list of supplements for us to purchase to aid in milk production, she also handed me a bag full of formula.  She encouraged me to use the supplements and continue to pump she also told me that we were good parents.  Our child needed to eat and focusing on where that food came from wasn't as important. 

After weeks of diligently pumping and the majority of the bottles being comprised of formula, I eventually abandoned breastfeeding as a whole.  My son grew very well on formula and reached all of his developmental milestones very early, but it still bothers me that I have to get these disapproving looks whenever I mention my child having formula.  

Now that I am pregnant again, many people comment to me about how I need to try and breastfeed again.  To them I say why? It was not a good fit for me or my child, the latching issue was with me not the baby and pumping wasn't very successful.  Why stress out myself, husband, toddler and new baby when they can receive formula.  Everyone always says "breast is best" but aren't those people the same people who are looking down on me for formula feeding?

Parenting "trends"

Every time I go on a parenting website or social media I am confronted with new parenting trends.  I like many others feel pressure from those sources to conform to that parenting style.  Many of these trends require 24/7 dedication from the parents and as a working parent its just not feasible.  Why do other parents put so much pressure on others to parent the same way?  We focus so much on diversity and being yourself as a society; why don't we feel the same way about parenting styles? 

On many occasions I have been made to feel like less of a mother because I can not follow these trends.  I can not hold my child all day, as I am away from him 9 hours a day and when I am home I still need to get household chores done.  As many childcare providers do not assist with things like potty training my options there are limited as well.  My decision to exclusively nurse or to breastfed via pumping or formula feed was directed for me as well.  Exclusively nursing would not be a option as I would not be with my child to nurse.  For a long time I felt very guilty about these decisions I felt were being made for me until my son got a little older and was able to start appreciating how parenting worked for us. 

No child is perfect and by no means no parent is perfect.  I have been able to see, however, that my inability to follow with the new parenting trends didn't hurt my child and in some instances helped my child.  I believe society should stop putting so much emphasis on what is the correct way to parent now.  Many parenting trends of the past were found to be actually very harmful to the child, I have to wonder how many things that we are doing now going to hurt our children in the long run?  I have come to believe the things that I feel guilty about not being able to do are things that my children will never remember when they are older.  Isn't whats really important is if our kids are happy not if we're following the popular trends?

Family Time

What is better than getting on the floor and playing with your kids?  NOTHING.  When you work full-time and still have to run a household its seems like you are always playing this never ending game of catch-up.  In my house, before 8 pm its family time and we find the time very rewarding.  I am extremely blessed to get home at 4pm each day (however I leave the house before 7 am) and my husband gets home at 5:30pm.  From the time I get home each day until my husband gets home is mommy time whether that be napping on the couch or playing games, my son gets my undivided attention.  Once daddy gets home, we start making dinner.  The entire family is in the kitchen while we're making dinner.  We "cook" with my son using spare spoons and bowls or we let him help with things that are safe for him.  We dance and play with magnets on the fridge. Its our time and we love it.  Every night we sit and eat dinner as a family, the dirty dishes stay on the table and then we go play.  Bath time and bedtime are a family affair in our house.  We play together, splash in the tub, read books and when 8 pm comes its time for bed. From 8pm to bedtime is Mommy and Daddy time.  We clean up from the day but by 8:30 pm we are spending that time together.  For us that's how we keep our relationship engaging.

Each weekend we try and have some type of "event" that we do as a family.  This past weekend we went to an exhibit at a local museum, but some weekends we go swimming or clean up leaves.  Whatever the event is we do it together.  When one parent needs to go away for the weekend, the other parent keeps on with the same traditions.  We do have date nights, we try to schedule these for the weekends when we have the day to spend with our child and try to schedule them later in the day so that our son is sleeping while we are out on our date.

I think that if you make the time for your kids they will find whatever that time is to be memorable.  Running errands can be quality time if you take the time to make it quality.

Why Go Back to Work??

When I graduated high school, I would have very openly told you I wanted to be a wife and mother but I also would have told you I wanted to be a pediatric surgeon.  Like most millennials, I forged my path straight to college.  I got good grades, took the MCAT for medical school, and graduated at the top of my class.  However, I took a year to expand my skill set and see the world as a non-student; however when I got accepted to medical school I made the decision not to go.  I looked ahead to many more years of schooling, grueling hours and massive debt and chose a different path... A FAMILY.  Looking back this is the first big decision I made for my children, I wanted to provide them with a life and my time and I didn't want to keep my then boyfriend in a holding path towards the future.   In a few short years, I married my high school sweetheart purchased our first home and got pregnant with our first child.  I vividly remember painting the nursery and asking myself the following questions:

Who will I be when my children are ready to spread their own wings and they don't need me as much anymore?  Is my relationship with my husband strong enough to sit on the back burner until my children leave the nest? Will I know how to fill my time when its time for my children to start lives of their own?

The answer to those questions wasn't easy at first, but with some thought I got some clarity on the subject.  The day my children leave the nest I will be the same person that I am the last day they are with me.  I needed to maintain my own identity outside of just mommy and for me that was the one thing I felt I was most proud of and that was my career and my marriage.  I think that I needed to be fulfilled in different ways while my life would be incomplete without my children my life would also be incomplete without my career. 

I choose to go to work to provide my children with the life, I want for them.  That doesn't mean that its the life everyone believes a child needs.  I want my children to have a sense of independence but still know mommy and daddy love them.  I want them to have two parents that want to spend as much time with them as possible, but I want that sense of self worth that comes with working.  I choose to make time everyday for my husband to ensure a strong relationship, one that my children can learn from.  I want my children to strive to have a marriage like mine and if I want to teach them those lessons, I have to put just as much importance on my marriage as I do on my relationship with my children.

Welcome!!!

First, this blog is an experiment for me.  I have never blogged before but I am looking for a forum to get my thoughts across and be a safe haven and support for working moms everywhere.  My goal is not to criticize other parenting methods or other people's beliefs but rather offer my own insights into what has worked for me.  I think I look at parenting a little differently as most, as a scientist my nature I look at things more analytically and parenting as been no different.  

I am a full-time working mom, with a 1 year old little boy and another on the way (15 weeks!). As a first time mom, I did what most do and scoured the Internet looking for parenting advice.  What I found was most of the information I found was good information but very hard for me to put into practice being away from my home 45+ hours a week.  I am one of the lucky working moms, I do have my son at home with a nanny minimizing the amount of time I have to be apart from him, however I know that is not the case for most working parents.  Reaching out to other mother's, for me, was difficult as well I couldn't help but feeling judged for being a working mother.  Everyone assumed that the decision to continue working was purely financial, but in my experience it was much more than that.  Who was I if my entire identity could be summed up by wife and mother.  What did those two words mean?  Could I be a good mother if I didn't know who I was myself?  Could I be a good wife to my husband if my entire identity was tied to someone who shared half my genetic code?  I love my family and would do anything for them, but aren't I more productive and loving to them if I love myself?

I chose to work, however I choose everyday to make time for my family.  Just as I choose to go to work, I make the choice to sit on the floor and play with my son, I make the choice to cook dinner for the family each night, I make the choice to sit at the table and eat as a family, I make the choice for bath/bedtime to be family time and not a chore, and I make the choice to spend time with my husband alone every night to make sure that relationship still thrives as well.  Isn't that what parenting is about, making choices?  The choices that you think are best for your child?  While time with your child is precious they grow up way faster than nature should allow, I question is less time better in the long run if the majority of that time is quality time?