An Open Letter To My Husband After Two Kids

To my husband, after I’ve had two kids,

Do you remember a time before we had kids?  Do you remember staying in bed until 11am on Saturday morning and trying to decide if we should have breakfast, no lunch, no breakfast?  Do you remember vacations?  Do you remember lying on the beach for hours reading a book?  I would pack more bikinis than days we were vacationing with lingerie to match.  Do you remember going to dinner at a restaurant?  That feels like a lifetime ago.  Actually it was two lifetimes ago.  Before my mind was always consumed with the kid’s schedules, spending time with them, and finding “family activities” for every weekend.  Back when I had confidence.  Where did that confidence go?  It seems to have gone missing with the body I used to have.  The first time it was so easy to get my baby back, not so easy the second time.  The extra 10 lbs and the stretch marks are a constant reminder of both the person I lost and the miracles that I gained. 

This caught me by surprise.  I was thinner after baby #1 than on our wedding day.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  This wasn’t the dream that we talked about.  We talked about dinner as a family, playing in the backyard, vacations and holidays.  We talked about the things we would teach them and the memories we would make. We talked about how we would live not how we would feel.  Me post partum baby 2 is very different.  What will I look like post partum baby 3 or 4?  Will there even be hope for me to find myself.  Will the girl that you saw on your wedding day ever come back?

I cringe when I think about who I have become.  So shy, so unsure of myself.  These other moms bounce right back.  They are so confident with their “mommy bodies.”  I’m jealous of those mom’s that can balance themselves and their kids.  The ones that still find time to get their nails done and juggle 4 babies.  After 2 pregnancies, after two labors, after thousands of bottles and diapers changed I seem to lost myself.  I know she has to be right under my nose but I can’t find her.  I think she’s hiding under the mountains of toys or the clothes that I aspire to fit into again.  I pray the old me comes back sometimes but I know she won’t.  She’s gone, I’ve been changed by these two little faces that look up at me so lovingly every day. 

So meet the new me, mommy of two.  While I’m struggling to love me, you’re not.  You still look at me like we’re 16 years old.  I still catch you sneaking peeks when I am bending over.  You don’t judge me when I’m eating a bowl of ice cream for dinner at 9pm.  You never point out when I’m being unreasonable.  You back me up when I go into “mama bear mode.”  You love me.  You have the confidence in me that I lost.  I’m trying hard to see what you see, honestly I am trying.  I promise I will love myself again, I will get there.

Thank-you!  Thank-you for the beautiful life that we have.  Thank-you for loving me no matter what.  Thank you for always thinking I’m the prettiest, smartest and sexiest girl in the room.  Thank you for our family.  Thank you for making put that bikini back on J.

Becoming a mother has changed me.....

Becoming a mother changed me; I became a softer version of myself.  I learned more patience, my priorities shifted off myself and onto this other person.  I learned (okay maybe not learned but am working on) to not use curse words in my everyday life.  I was happy, I felt like I had found my purpose in life.  All the hard work I had put in, all the “right” decisions that I made were all worth it.

Being a mom of two has turned me into a completely different person, even more different than I was with one.   I have learned that both eating and sleeping are optional activities despite being told otherwise for the majority of my life.  I learned it is possible to hold two kids, while cooking dinner and cleaning the house.  But on a serious note, when I became a mom of two there was no more time for me.  My focus became entirely on my family.  My two sons and my husband.  I crave family time all the time.  During my commute, I think about activities for the weekend and wish my Monday through Thursday away just waiting for the weekend to hit and to spend time with my boys.

When I started blogging I started because I was frustrated with not being able to find a safe place to discuss my feelings with like-minded people.  Now I find myself in a new place, I do not share a mindset with the SAH mom’s nor do I share a mindset with the career focused working mothers nor the mothers who work out of necessity.  I shared before that my household does not need me to work that we could make ends meet on one income, however I want to work.  In recent months, however, my career just hasn’t been as important to me.  Yes, I want to do a good job at work when I am there but I want to maximize my time at home and minimize my time at work.  This is a complete shift from who I was as a person just a few months ago, let alone a few years ago.  I was so career driven, where has that gone.

I question is the shift a result of two children or a result of the growth of my children?  My older son is aware now.  He can (and will) parrot back anything that you say (yes its gotten me in trouble a few times), he has his own mind and recently started giving me a full recap of his day (normally starting with what he had for lunch).  My younger son is 4 months old he’s sitting unassisted and giggling at me daily.  He’s changing before my eyes and I don’t want to miss any changes or milestones.  Its so hard to leave that every morning. 

Does this shift have nothing to do with my family and more with my passion for my career?   I recently made a career switch that was driven by circumstance and not because I was unhappy.  However a big motivation for taking this job was the schedule and location which allow for more time with my children.  Which then circles me back to wanting to be with my kids.

I’ve noticed the same change in my husband as well.  While my husband is very focused still on building his career he also is looking for a shorter commute to increase his “family time.”  He shares in the same “Sunday night depression” that I find myself falling into every week.  He takes vacation days from work just to stay home with the kids.

I wonder is this just normal family evolution? Is this a stage that I will grow out of?  I still want to expand my family in the future how will my feelings change then?  

Why is working becoming so hard?

I previously told the story of how I had to make the gut wrenching decision to go back to work early (See Cutting Maternity Leave Short). I struggled for quite some time with my decision to go back to work.  I’ve settled into a position with a shorter work week and therefore more time with the little ones but I can’t help but shaking this nagging feeling.  I know that in my life plan being a SAHM isn’t in it but somedays I wish there was such a thing as a SAHM leave or longer maternity leave in the US.  If I were in Europe I would still be home with my little ones.   I find myself watching the clock during the day thinking longingly about when its appropriate to leave and go home to my littles.  I was never like that before.  I would be caught up in my job, consequently leaving late and calling my child’s caregiver apologizing for being late… ooopps haha.

I’m so happy at home with our little family.  I feel like my relationship with my husband is at an all-time high (and that’s saying something since we’ve been together for almost 13 years).  My relationship with my boys is great.  My toddler is a ball of energy and you can just see the wheels turning in his head all the time.  Even my infant is at a point where he is getting interactive.  I’m smiling from ear to ear the second I walk in the door every day.   My infant has started sleeping 8 hours at night and even waking with him early in the morning for a feeding and some snuggle time seems like a blessing.  Once I step out the door each morning for work it seems that I am just pushing through until I can return home again.

I’m struggling with this departure in my personality.  Am I really that different of a person or is it simply as I grow my priorities change?  Everyone grows with each different life experience but I’ve had a child before, true this is my first time having two children but is that really changing me that much?  I’m inclined to think not.  However I cannot pin point where my departure in my personality is coming from.  I do not want to fix the problem, however I am struggling with how to cope with the problem.  Being away from your family is hard enough without the extra anxiety that I am feeling.  I wonder how many other mother’s share my feelings.  Is this a silent epidemic or am I the only one experiencing this phenomenon? 

I know working now will be better in the long run but right now it feels like the hard decision.  I guess for now I focus on loving my boys (all 3 of them) and know that it will all be worth it in the long run.

What is Too Much to Sacrifice to SAH?

Ok so its that horrible day at work.  You walk in late because you spent your morning dealing with on crisis after another only to look down and notice you have two different shoes on and baby spit up on your shoulder.  You go to the bathroom try to clean off the spit up with those awesome brown paper towels (you all know what I mean) and hope no one notices the mismatched shoes as you sneak into that meeting you are late for.  Hope you can get done your work quickly so you can leave on time to pick up you're older child from school before picking up the younger one from daycare.   How much easier would it be to just stay home and take care of your children?  Internally, you start running the numbers ok without childcare and if we cancel cable, get rid of one car, cut our food bill, stop going out to dinner it totally do able.

Maybe its just the parenting groups/message boards that I am apart of but more and more I'm seeing a trend where working mothers are trying to make the jump to staying at home.  While if you can responsibly stay at home, I say go for it not judgement here, however the advice being given to those women is downright irresponsible!!

Some of the advice I've seen recently is, to drain your savings and retirement accounts you can always save money later in life and you're kids will only be small once.  More advice is to sell your house or break a lease and move into a cheaper area (worse school districts and higher crime) because you being with your kids will balance it out.  Borrow money from family and friends, they'll understand and want to help.  Declare bankruptcy, move in with family, cancel cable internet ect. and sell a car.  Another poster said to re-enroll in school online to defer student loan payments and borrow a little "extra" for living expenses.

What are we teaching out children if these are the decisions we are making and advising others to make?  The message I'm receiving is to look to others to take care of you're responsibilities for you so you can do what you WANT.  Is it really responsible to put your child into an environment that you were not comfortable with to start with just because you want to stay at home.  I also want to raise the question what happens if there is an emergency and you have no savings?

What is the plan if something happens to the family to the remaining breadwinner?  With all that being said, if you can be a stay at home parent without negatively impacting your family go for it.  There is no right answer when it comes to raising your children other than teaching them to do the right thing and be a good person.  I'm afraid, however, for my children's generation, my generation is already notorious for huge amounts of credit card debt and people living beyond their means.  Education is being valued less and less.  My hope is that my children learn from these mistakes and don't make same mistakes of my generation.

The Day My Son Wanted Nothing to Do With Me

While on vacation with my entire family I had one of the most heart breaking things happen... my son wanted nothing to do with me only my mother (his grandmother).  My mom watches him everyday while I am working so they have a strong bond, but this was completely heart breaking.  If I would take my son into another room for a even a simple task of changing his diaper he would scream bloody murder for my mother.  He wouldn't eat any meals at the table with the rest of the family he wanted to sit on the couch with "Mimi" and eat (despite Mimi sitting at the table with the rest of the family).  We took him to the beach and Mimi had to be the one in the ocean, Mimi had to play in the sand.  When we got back Mimi had to cook his lunch and put him down for his nap.  At bedtime, Mimi had to give him his bath and put him to bed (a task usually reserved for only mommy and daddy).  At one point my husband attempted to help my mother and my son pushed him away and told him no.

There my husband and I were, standing in the kitchen of our rented beach condo, heartbroken wondering what to do next.  My two month old was happily sleeping in the bedroom, surely he still loved us but what did we do to make our toddler favor his grandmother; I didn't want my youngest to favor her too.  I began sobbing into the kitchen counter feeling like a failure as a mother.  I love my kids, they are my everything.  All of my time is devoted to caring for them and being with them.  Yes I do work 40+ hours a week but I wake them up and make their breakfast in the morning, I am getting home when they are waking up from their afternoon naps (thanks to my 10 minute commute) and spend every weekend doing activities with them.  So why did my son want to be with his grandmother over his mother?  What seemed like an eternity later, my mom emerged from the bedroom, my son had fallen asleep and she apologized to me.  She felt bad that my son was favoring her, it was no fault of hers no fault of my son; it was just the fact in that moment.  I went to bed that night feeling very defeated and very heartbroken.

I woke up the next morning to my son snuggled in bed next to me (his bed was in the same room as mine for vacation).  He had woken up in the middle of the night and saw mommy and daddy were in the room and climbed into our bed for comfort.  Obviously, the topic of conversation at the breakfast table was the big elephant in the room.  With the prodding of my brother and sister (thanks again!), we discovered that Mimi had "altered" my son's routine after my second was born.  As my second son likes to eat leisurely, Mimi has started allowing my toddler to eat meals in the family room with his toys so she can focus on feeding the baby.  Since Mommy and Daddy have only left my son to be put to bed by his Mimi (or anybody else) less than 5 nights, Mimi has snuggled with him and watched Sesame Street with him until he fell asleep.  The answer wasn't that he loved his Mimi more than Mommy and Daddy the answer was he liked the way Mimi did things.  As Mimi put it, Mommy and Daddy have more rules.

I was very worried that this was going to continue throughout the entire vacation and extend into our "normal lives" once we got home but thankfully it didn't.  When Mimi became aware of what was happening she enforced mommy and daddy's rules and the Mimi fascination seemed to dwindle.  He still loved his Mimi and wanted to do things with her but he also wanted to interact with all his other family members as well.

Our first night home my son got right into bed and fell right asleep just like he was doing before we went for vacation.  He fell right back into his normal routine in stride as though it had not been interrupted for the week prior.  He was content when Mimi left when Mommy got home from work (even if he wasn't content to stay inside since it was raining and his brother is 2 months old).  He's the exact same kid as he was before we left for vacation except with more words and requesting ice cream every night (Thanks Uncle B).

This was a definite learning experience for me!  Sometimes being a Mommy is a thankless job and sometimes that means not being the "fun one" or the popular one with your kids,  I need to focus on my relationships with my kids and not focus on being the most liked person in their lives.  That doesn't mean however that I don't want to be the most liked in their lives and that it doesn't hurt when they favor someone else.  What am I going to do when they want to go away on a trip without me or want to get married?  I think those things are going to break my heart, but I can't cry in the kitchen forever or can I?

Making "Mommy Friends"

As a young professional, my social circle is kind of evolving daily.  After having my son I found myself if a very unique place.  NONE of my high school and college friends were even married (most not even dating) and kids were the last thing on their mind.  Our siblings do not have any kids either.  We had two couple friends that had babies as well and I had one co-worker friend who had just gotten pregnant so my pool of “mommy friends” was pretty light.   I made the choice for my kids to be cared for at home, so there were no parents to meet from the day care class.  Where was I going to meet “mommy friends”?

The truth is I still don’t know.  My oldest son is 21 months old and I still have the same number of mommy friends.  As a working mother I find it hard to make mommy friends.  I have spent countless hours looking into activities that I could do with my kids and other parents.  Most mommy and me activities I have found occur late morning on weekdays which essentially cuts out the whole working parent population.  I did enroll my oldest in swimming lessons, it was a mommy and me type course.  I would chat with the other parents while we were waiting for the class to start.  Most were SAH moms and the majority of their play dates occur during the day Monday through Friday.  Another social circle that I was unable to break into. L

My other concern with my lack of “mommy friends” was socialization for my son (my youngest is too young to need socialization).  Thankfully, this has resolved itself slightly with a combination of my neighbor and “grandmommy friends.”  My next door neighbor babysits her grandson who is slightly older than my oldest and the two have quickly become great friends and the close proximity makes it possible for them to play together almost every day. 

My question remains how do I make “mommy friends” or do I continue to keep my life very separate.  To be fair I must say that I have a collection of friends that are more than happy to have my little guys in tow when we hang out.  Hopefully some of my non-mommy friends become “mommy friends” themselves until then I guess the hunt continues. 

“Motherhood can be seen as a liability”

A good friend of mine and also a working mother forwarded me an article about one woman’s experience working at Amazon. (The article can be found here)  This article was in response to the NY Times article recently posted, explaining her experience when she had a baby and was diagnosed with cancer during her tenure at Amazon.  My friend and I started reading comments on both articles sending  snippets back and forth though G-chat and commenting on the stories we were reading.  As a working mother precious hours have come back into my life from the use of Amazon Prime.  My doorstep is littered almost daily with these prime boxes bringing almost anything to my door from diapers to new shoes to sunscreen.   I commented I wanted to find holes in the article because “I really love my prime and I want to have a reason not to cancel.”  Judging from the 5858 comments posted to the article to date, most people are outraged about a company’s desire to have their employees available 24/7 and with over 80 hour work weeks.  Many people commented on their personal acts of protest in canceling their prime accounts.  While the treatment of employees by Amazon is seen my most as immoral and downright wicked, I can’t help but feeling like this is a snapshot of the overall culture in the workplace.  The major difference between Amazon and other workplaces is its pride in this culture.

“Motherhood can be seen as a liability” is a line that stuck out to me in the article.  I think the author makes a great point here.  Mothers (and fathers) are often unable to sustain an 80+ hour work week and still care for their children.  Employees often experience that having children will prevent them from putting in the hours necessary for advancement.   When time is taken off for having children it often stalls your career or in the case of many of the woman who posted the follow-up article put on a performance improvement plan due to missing months of work and “falling behind” fellow co-workers.  Shouldn’t we start to evaluate the problem?   While people are quick to point fingers at Amazon and start their own personal strike from Amazon, the bigger problem still exists.  Most laws are written to favor the employer.  There is still no legally mandated paid maternity or paternity leave; these are considered to be benefits not rights to the worker.   Salaried exempt employees can be forced to work exuberant numbers of hours with no additional compensation.  What other instances would be okay with paying the same amount and getting less?  I know I would be mad if all of a sudden I went to buy my $3 dozen egg container and only received one egg.  Who would be ok with paying $3 an egg instead of the usual 25¢?  Isn’t that what is happening in the workplace?  Employers are paying an employee $400/week for 40 hours as their salary but now the employer is expecting 80 hours a week; the same employee is making 50% less for what?  While we all balk at these practices nonetheless we all comply out of fear or retribution.  We are more focused on creating a life than we are on living our lives.

In writing this post, I have reflected on my own household.  I would be proud to declare that I work 7am – 3pm in my corporate job, my husband 7:30am – 4pm.  We then come home and focus on our family, no distractions just good solid family time.  Is that really the case?  Recently, my toddler picked up and old non-working computer that we have set aside a toy and happily sat and banged on the keyboard.  I asked him what he’s was doing and he replied with “ I work” in those toddler words that just instantly melt your heart.  Where did he learn that? Obviously he learned that from my husband and me, we’ve obviously been on our computers working during the time that we define as “family time.”  How many nights at my house consisted of my husband and I sitting on our couch computers in our laps keeping an eye on sleeping kids through the baby monitor catching up on emails or reviewing documents.  Many more nights that I would care to admit.

Despite this, we are the lucky ones.  We work for employers that are considered to be “family friendly.”  I’ve always been allowed 12 weeks maternity leave however only 5 weeks are actually paid and they are paid through short-term disability (don’t even get me started on how pregnancy and having a child is a disability).  My husband has been fortunate enough to work for employers that gave him 2 weeks paid paternity leave and allowed him to take longer terms off using vacation time.  Despite our “family friendly” employers no one balks when they get an email response at 11pm many times they respond themselves.   Many companies are in the news about how they are expanding paternal leave and have new policies regarding work-life balance.  But in the words of one of the NY time interviewees “work comes first, family comes second and trying to find a balance comes last.”  In the end of the day it’s all about making money and the worker comes second….. or third. 

The workplace should consider some of the skills required to be a parent as marketable skills.  As a mother I have learned to multitask in a way that I never thought possible.  I am more organized and more focused than previously.  I’ve also matured in a way that I would not have otherwise in my opinion.  Anyone who has ever had interactions with a toddler will tell you that can certainly teach you how to think outside the box.  I’m more patient an area that many of my co-workers would attest was a definite area for improvement.  Just as everything in my work life comes into my home life, everything in my home life comes into my work life.

 I’m thankful for this Amazon article and to every Amazon employee.  While Amazon maybe the extreme, the struggle of being a good parent and a good employee is one of thousands of Americans.   By highlighting the struggles of Amazon employees, hopefully some change can occur. At what point do we value our lives more than the number on our W2?  Are we going to sit on our death bed and contemplate the promotion we didn’t get or will it be the missed sporting events?

Why there are no pictures of my kids on the internet

Social media how I love and hate you all at the same time.  It seems odd that I feel comfortable blogging my thoughts, feelings and intimate moments to be stumbled across by anyone who logs onto the internet but when it comes to my children they are nowhere to be found.  My husband and I have made a decision to keep our children off social media.  As both my children are under the age of two that means no pictures of them being posted.  Oh how family members hate that pesky little rule that we have.  “This would be such a cute instagram photo” is usually accompanied by “your no social media rule is dumb.”  They argue I will put pictures of myself on the internet by why not my kids.  They are totally correct.  It’s my decision to post my own story on social media, because that’s what it just is a story.  I choose what it is that I WANT people to see or know about me.  I can be anyone I want to social media.  I’m proud of the baby weight that I lost, I’ll post a picture of myself with a cute outfit on not a picture of my bare stretch marked ridden stomach.  I want people to see the good and not the bad.

Why do I keep my kids off social media do you ask.  The answer is my kids are innocent; they have no control over what is being put out there for them.   Once something is on the internet it’s there forever.  Those images are so freely accessible it amazes me.  An acquaintance learned that lesson the hard way and her experience was a real eye opener for me.  This person posted a picture on Instagram of her child with a few different hash tags.  A few months later a friend of hers commented on why did she let a particular entity use her kid’s photo.  She hadn’t given permission; this entity found the photo online and used it in an article they were writing.  Everything was totally legal and now her child’s photo is in a post and there is nothing she can do.  Thankfully it was a tasteful publication, but where else is that photo.   I don’t know about you but there are a lot of places on the internet that I wouldn’t want to find my child’s photo.

We’ve all seen someone screen shot someone’s facebook page, shap chat ect. and post it to another forum.  Even with the most stringent of privacy settings, your “private posts” could be made very public very quickly.  I’ve witnessed people wanting to call child services on a parent or child that they don’t know because of someone reposting a photo with no context.  How many of us have a picture of their child that taken out of context could be taken the wrong way?  I’m sure that photo of my son in the driver’s seat of my car with the parking brake on holding keys in his hand from a vehicle nowhere around could be considered very dangerous to someone who doesn’t know me, my child or the context of the photo.  The fact of the matter is any picture can be used or manipulated in any way to make it fit whatever story a person wants to tell.  It bothers me that people feel so entitled to share other people’s photos.

Are there times that I want to post pictures? Of course, what mom doesn’t want to show off their children?  I see other people post photos and I think to myself it was so cute when my son did something similar.  Or when a family member comments how they haven’t seen my kids in a while; it would be so much easier to post a picture online for everyone to see rather than sharing pictures individually. 

I don’t want to make it sound like I keep my entire life and everything about my kids off the internet.   I made a status update when my son took his first steps.  My obligatory Facebook post for my second pregnancy is found below:

                                           

No big brother holding up a sign announcing little brother’s arrival on facebook, just a simple picture stating Santa brought a little something extra this year.  Did the lack of my son’s picture detract from the happiness? No.  When little brother was born a simple facebook status was enough.  We live in such a digital society that social media is almost a given.  People do wedding invites electronically, party invitations are online as well, I don’t know about you but if I want to know the weather today I pick up my phone to check it out… walking outside to check is a thing of the past.  I want my children to be the narrators of their own stories…. They don’t need mommy to do it for them before their stories really have had time to begin.

The Balancing Act

Recently, some friends were at my home and a conversation ensued about everyone’s jobs.  One person in particular, a relatively recent college grad, commented on the numbers of hours she was working.  She commented that many of the other employees have to leave early or at a specific time because they have children at home and it wasn’t fair that she was left “picking up their slack.”  As a working mother myself that made me very sad and made me wonder if that is what my co-workers think of me.  My work schedule is dictated by my child care schedule.  Often time working parents utilize daycare for their children while they are at work.  Daycares charge sizeable fees if you are late picking up your child which become a burden on the family.  Not to mention the need for a child to spend time with their parents.  School aged children get off the bus at a specific time often necessitating for a parent to be home to meet them.  As a mother my first responsibility is to my family conversely as an employee it is expected my first responsibility be to my employer.

There is a lot of discussion surrounding work life balance.  What is work life balance?  America is one of the only industrialized countries where such little emphasis is placed on the family.  According to the Center for American Progress, 90 percent of working mothers and 95 percent of working fathers report work-family conflict.   The idea of the 40 hour work week and leaving work at the office seem to be a thing of the past.  Marriages are currently toting only a 50-60% success rate and the number of marriages per year is also declining.  I find these statistics both troubling and telling.  It appears as the demands of the work force are increasing the focus on the individual and the family is declining.  Online dating has become a norm, even finding a partner has become streamlined due to people having less free time.  The expectations of the individual to the company are usually very defined through job descriptions, annual goals ect., however what responsibility do companies have to their employees?  It appears to me this is often less defined.

Why should my co-worker who does not have children have more pressure placed on them to put more hours in at the office?  They as an individual need time to grow and explore their interests.   If I put my family first is it going to stall my career? Should I pick up the computer and work instead of playing in the yard with my kids?  I’ve heard of my co-workers reading reports to their young children as a bedtime story or answering emails when up for a midnight feeding with the baby.

I personally struggle with the balance.  Isn’t the goal in doing a good job to get rewarded and promoted?  In my experience you need to go above and beyond your expected job goals to advance in the workplace.  If the expectations of my employer are that which are detrimental to my family I am forced with a choice.  I want to be successful in my career but I also want to be a good mother.  I ask myself looking back on my life will I be more upset if I miss this time with my kids or will I be more upset that I didn’t get a specific promotion?  The answer is often to put work aside and spend the time with my family but I also feel like my career is in a holding pattern as a result. 

Will the struggle ever change?  I hope for my kids it does.  If not for me, for them.  If we continue in this direction the family as we know it is going to be a thing of the past.  No one should ever feel like they have to work 70 hours a week just to be successful.  I wonder with people working that many hours, how many of them are truly productive or are people so worn out they can’t get as much done.  I hope the family and the individual become more of a focus.   I’m going to continue to struggle with the balance every day, I love my family and I love my career and they are going to remain in competition for my time.

My Marriage After Kids

I am by no expert on relationships; I actually have very little experience with new relationships.  I met my husband when we were 16 years old. We dated through high school and college in the off and on format that is so common at that age.  We attended different high schools and colleges but maintained the relationship by establishing a regular schedule of seeing each other.  As we matured so did our relationship and we learned to resolve conflict with conversation and mutual understanding in lieu of our previous method of “breaking up.”  After 9 years of dating, we married.  We’ve been married for just under 3 years and have two children together.  Ok that’s enough of a biography on me and my husband.

Anyone who has gotten married in the Catholic church you know all about pre-cana, for those of you who haven’t let me bring you up to speed.  Pre-cana is a series of classes or meetings that couples must attend before getting married.  The following topics are “required” to be discussed:

·         Spirituality/Faith

·         Conflict Resolution Skills

·         Careers

·         Finances

·         Intimacy/Cohabitation

·         Children

·         Commitment

This was the first time my husband and myself really sat and had some open conversations about our life plan timeline and how children fit into our picture.  Both of us had some couples in our lives that we thought were good examples of what we wanted our relationship to look like and both of us knew we did not want the type of relationships that we saw between our parents.  The one common theme we both saw in our parents was that there was not a focus on the other spouse which we deemed was the #1 thing we wanted to ensure we had in our married.

Over a year later we found ourselves married, moved into our first home and expecting our first child.  I was worried that having a baby was going to change our relationship.  I was afraid that all the focus was going to be on the baby and we were going to end up complete strangers living under the same roof.  We made the decision to put aside time every day that is just for us!  To put this into practice we established a bed time for our son of 8 pm and we diligently put the baby to bed at 8pm (even though we weren’t always successful).  From 8pm until we went to bed (or the baby woke up) was our time. 

Two years later that is still our time.  We watch our favorite tv series, play cards, clean or organize the house, talk, have a fire in our fire pit, ect.  My friends joke that we’re always busy making babies when ours are asleep and they are probably right.  I believe that’s an important part of any relationship.  To be perfectly honest, that’s also the time when we do most of our arguing.  When talking to other parents (and just other couples) to be honest it seems like taking your partner for granite seems to be an epidemic in our society.  Everyone is on all the time, on line, on the phone, on social media that it’s difficult to be in the present.  That’s not to say I can’t be found to be playing some candy crush before I go to bed each night but it’s so easy to let that stuff come in between my relationship.

Date night can become very expensive very quickly.  Dinner and a movie can easily be $70 and then a babysitter can easily cost $50 so that date gets expensive fast.  We try to make every night a date night and when we do go out without the kids we make it count.  I don’t think my marriage is perfect; yes we could do a few more date nights and we could probably spend less time on our computers working on our fantasy football teams but we’re happy.  I can honestly say I look forward to seeing my husband after work and even after 12 years he still makes me smile everyday (just don’t tell him that haha).

Cutting Maternity Leave Short

Cutting my maternity short was a heart wrenching decision for me.  I found myself in a difficult situation at the start of my maternity leave.  Before going on leave I was in a dead end job (literally the date everyone was getting laid off was announced) where morale was low and the tasks monotonous.  My growth potential there had expired however my loyalty still hadn't waivered.  Little did I know a job offer would come my way before my husband's paternity leave even expired.  There was a bit of a catch, I couldn't wait the 12 weeks I had set aside for maternity leave, I was going to have to return to work when my youngest was only 8 weeks old.

I struggled with the decision to go back for days on end.  For the purpose of this post I will comment only on those pertaining to my family and not about leaving a job that I loved. I would be lying if I said I did not consider becoming a stay at home mom.  Financially my family would be fine, we would have to make some changes to our life style but we would be ok.  I thought longingly about spending all day with my boys.  The places we'ed go, the things we would do but then I also realized staying at home wouldn't be the same as maternity leave it would be life and not a vacation.  I wouldn't have people coming over all the time to see the new baby ect.  My days (and finanaces) would not be as carefree as they were on maternity leave.

GUILT was the #1 feeling that I struggled with.  As the oldest of 3, I have always been taught that everything between siblings should be equal.  I stayed home with my first for 12 weeks it wasn't equal if I only stayed home with my second for 8 weeks.  Did that mean I loved my first more? I had retained all of my vacation time to prepare for my maternity leave.  I struggled with feeling like I shouldn't have saved that time instead of spending it with my family. 

I felt torn.  With my first son, I loved every minute of being a mom but at the same time I craved adult interaction and the challenge that work provided.  On the other hand, after my second I loved being home every minute.  The hours of circular conversation with my toddler about the sounds a cow makes or which ball we should throw were pure bliss.  The silent moments feeding and cuddling my second felt like I was on vacation.  At no point did I yearn for that adult interaction or challenge.  Again I felt guilt for feeling differently after my second than my first.

Eventually, I came to the decision to take the new job opportunity and cut my maternity leave short. Why for all the reasons that I chose to be a working mom in the first place (See my previous post Why Go Back to Work????).  I realized all my hesitations came back to one thing I FELT GUILTY.  It wasn't until I read a quote written to a first child that I was able to analyze my feelings.

                      "You see I want to get it all RIGHT because I've messed up so 

                        much in the past with you.  I feel like I owe it to you.  You gave

                        me the greatest gift possible.  You made me a mom.  In the 

                        most intense way possible, YOU are my baby."

Things between my children were never going to be the same.  My first will always be my first and my second my second.  My first son made me a mom and I will never be able to thank him for that but my second has made me a better mom and a different mom.  My second isn't going to grow up harboring resentment that mommy went back to work early, the same way my oldest doesn't remember all the mess ups that we had.  They love me for being their mommy just that plain and simple.

I also realized that it wasn't that I wanted to stay home with just my youngest, I wanted to be with both of my boys.  I resolved to make our nights and weekends about family time.  I'm one of the lucky ones to have a family member babysit while I am at work.  I made my working hours such that I am home for more of my children's waking hours than they are awake with their Mimi watching them.  

I have come to terms with my decision and looking back I wouldn't have made a different decision.  While I miss my boys when I'm at work; nothing compares with the big smiles, hugs and kisses I get when I get home.

#mommyfail

#mommyfail I feel this hash tag could sum up my feelings at least once a day... especially now with two. 
Everytime my son falls down or bumps into something I feel the size of an ant.   Isn't my job to protect my children, make sure they never get hurt or ever feel sad? If I was doing my job as a mom they would never get hurt or know pain or be upset.  Since I don't own two bubbles to keep them in I've had to lower my expectations.
Anyone who has boys know the rough and tumble life that has become my norm.  My toddler has developed this habit of yelling out "I'm ok" after he tumbles to the ground.
Recently, a series of events unfolded in my house that culminated in my toddler needing ice and my infant being carried across the room by the same toddler.  As any mom would; I felt like a failure.  I called my husband and told him about my failure and about my concerns, and looked to him for encouragement that I could continue through the day.  That evening still wrought with guilt I said to my toddler as I put him to bed I love you and tomorrow mommy will do better.  He turned to me and gave me a big hug and said I love you too for the first time.  After the happy tears streamed down my face I had a realization.  No matter how many times I "fail" I'm still mommy.  That doesn't matter to my boys... all that matters to them is mommy being there.
That was the moment when I chose to focus on my #mommywin instead of #mommyfail.   Every little victory is worth celebrating.  I made a choice to stop letting myself feel guilty and embrace what I do well or my small accomplishments.  Being a mommy is hard work, there is no manual, no days off and alot of overtime but it's also the most rewarding job I have ever had.  I would encourage all mommies to focus on their #mommywin instead of the #mommyfail and get the sense of satisfaction I have been able to find.

Now there's two

A little over 5 weeks ago, my second son was born.  Up to this point all of my focus had been directed at one child, how would I divide my time to care for two?  I vividly remember my second night at the hospital (night 1 I was actively in labor and giving birth after putting my toddler to bed), my husband was home putting our toddler to bed and it was the first time it was just me and the new baby.  I remember feeling like I was cheating on my toddler by not being home to put him to bed.  I looked at this precious baby sleeping in my arms and I began to cry.  How was I going to do this? I had these two little boys that somehow instantaneously I loved the same amount but at the same time very differently who needed their mommy.  In that moment I felt as though I was choosing one over the other.  Would my toddler resent me for "choosing" to be with his brother? The answer was no... he came to the hospital the next morning excited to see mom, the fact I wasn't home wasn't a concern for him what he wanted to know was if I could get him juice.  In the end of the day I was his mom and that's all the really mattered.

Fast foward to that afternoon, I was at home, back on my own turf and ready to take on this new challenge.  I was still scared but at the same time I was very excited.  I found out rather quickly the more I got my toddler involved the smoother things would go.  "I help" quickly became his new catch phase and things fell into place.  I learned that the baby needed to be strapped into something anytime I set him down for fear his big brother would "help" by picking him up.  I learned never to count on both kids napping at the same time.  I learned to dress both kids in the same room otherwise I would spend the morning chasing my toddler around.  I learned I would probably not finish a meal for the next two years.  Most importantly I learned that it's ok to ask for help.  No one is infallible, no matter how short I fall on my quest to be super mom my boys see me as super mom.

My first son forever changed who I am as a person forever, he's the one who made me a mom.  I will never be able to thank him enough for giving me that gift.  My second son gave me an equal gift, yes I was already a mom but he taught me about love.  Up until the birth of the second son I still believed that my ability to love was "maxed out."  Love isn't like a credit card there is no preset limit there is always more room to love.  The love you have for your children isn't like anything else in this world it such a special love and this love makes me so excited for what life has in store for me and my little guys.

SAH Mom Movement

The SAH (stay - at - home) parent vs working parent debate is a hot topic.  Everywhere you look there is some discussion about the merits of both lifestyle choices.  I belong to a large online community of mothers, many of which are SAH mothers and as a result of one of them posting the following link, I was presented with this news article.

http://6abc.com/family/stay-at-home-mom-wins-praise-from-blogger-husband/637468/

From this news story I searched the internet to find the blog post in question:
http://www.weareglory.com/blog/fathers-you-cant-afford-a-stay-at-home-mom

While I think it is awesome that there is a movement for husbands to appreciate their wives (and vice versa) I feel as though the SAH mom culture and mindset is somewhat offensive to us working mothers.

The author of this blog post writes the argument that the monetary value his SAH wife/mom brings to the family is around $70K.  He comments that aside from "nanny" duties for their child his wife performs the following additional jobs:

• house cleaning
• personal shopper
• chef
• financial assistant
• laundry service

I challenge the author with the question, who do you think completes these additional jobs in a household with two working parents?  The working parent must complete these tasks in addition to their corporate jobs often with a lot less free time.  I would argue that while the working parent may not hold the "nanny" role throughout the work week, the working parent must also act as the manager of their child's care while they are working.  Just as managers are important in the corporate setting, managing your child's care is just as important as physically watching your child.

As a working mother making over $50K a year in addition to "salary" proposed by the author of the weareglory blog post, the monetary value I bring to my family is well over $120K a year.  Anyone would agree that is a very substantial salary.  Why then is there so much focus on the "value" of a SAH parent but no talk on the "value" of a working parent.

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world without added pressure being placed on each other by other parents.  As a working mother I have personally experienced negative commentary from SAH parents about my lack of "love" or "care" for my child or that I am selfish for "going to work and leaving someone to take care of my kid."  To those people I say isn't being a parent hard enough itself without trying to tear each other down?  What is best for my household isn't necessarily what is best for the next person and its not fair to push anyone's agenda onto someone else.

Activities with your Children

I recently had a conversation with another working mother about activities to do with our children.  Living in the northeastern part of the United States, outdoor activities are usually a no go during the winter months with small children.  However, our children want to get out of the house; errands and play dates at other people's houses quickly loose their appeal for little ones.  Recently, I took to Google looking for activities for my child on the weekends and was met with a lot of disappointment.  Most child fun centers only have free playtime on weekdays during working hours which makes it impossible for the working mother to take their child and the weekends are reserved for parties.  Why do places only think that children need places to play during the week? Aren't they loosing out on a lot of potential revenue from working parents?  A lot of fast food restaurants have indoor play areas but do I really want to feed my child fast food just so they have somewhere to play?  I have taken to some creative options to keep my little one entertained in these cold winter months.

1- We got a membership to a local science museum.  He doesn't always understand the science behind the exhibits but he sees the lights and colors and loves all the space to run around.  Plus when special exhibits come to town we can also take him to those free of charge.
2- We purchased a bouncy castle. I know it seems excessive however they are not that expensive.  We purchased this one Here  I push all the furniture to the side of the room and allow him to blow it up and play.
3- Bring outside toys in. Bikes and other ride on toys are usually for outside but we allow one to come into the house each day.  While he's seen the toy before its not always in his usual toys to pick from.
4- Baking This is a great opportunity to let the little one in the kitchen, have some fun and usually make a mess.  My son loves to pour ingredients and to stir.

What are some other indoor activities you have come up with?

Maternity Leave

O maternity leave, how I have a love hate relationship with you. In full disclosure I had the best baby (I know everyone says that but I'll tell you why).  My son slept 18-20 hours a day for the first two months of his life and during month 3 it was about 16 hours.  As I sat home, in the middle of winter with daytime television while my son slept the day away I was overcome with feelings of boredom and loneliness.   I looked forward to going back to work, as I put it "using my brain" and having that social interaction again.  I felt sorry for my husband who I looked to as my only source of daily companionship and whose life I felt I was living vicariously through.  However that all changed around week 10 when my little guy showed his personality.  My days started to fill with playtime and giggles, I wasn't ready to go back to work like I had been a few week prior.  Just as I felt like I was able to bond with my child I was forced to go back to work or risk loosing my job.  This doesn't seem fair to myself or my child.

The United States is one of only 4 countries that does not mandate some form of paid paternal leave. 
The federal standard for maternity leave is 12 weeks of unpaid job-protected leave under the family and medical leave act (http://www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/). How is any two income household supposed to prepare for 3 months without pay on top of all the expenses and medical bills associated with a new baby.  For this fact many parents are left heading back to work before both themselves and their child is ready.  Something needs to be done about this.

This is a petition to change the 12 weeks of unpaid leave to 12 weeks of PAID leave.

https://www.change.org/p/u-s-congress-pass-the-family-act-guarantee-working-americans-paid-family-leave

Breastfeeding

NOTICE: This is not a commentary on whether or not you should breastfeed but rather my experience.  It is not meant to sway people's options in anyway.

From the moment I had my son, I felt a lot of pressure from medical professionals to breast feed.  After many failed attempts, I met with a lactation consultant who told me, your child is never going to latch and handed my a pump to use.  Despite my best efforts in the hospital pumping was not working.  My mother kept saying to me, give your baby some formula to which I would say they are telling us that we have to breast feed him.  On the second day in the hospital, I had a very hungry very cranky baby.  My mother brought some formula and gave it to my son, he immediately latched to the bottle and began eating.  He was so happy.  A nurse came into the room and both my husband and myself felt the need to hide the formula.  Why did we feel that way, we were feeding our child the best way we knew how and yet we felt ashamed for formula feeding.

Leaving the hospital my son had lost significant weight, so much so that we had to take him to the pediatrician the next morning.  While the nurse at the pediatrician's office gave us paperwork and a list of supplements for us to purchase to aid in milk production, she also handed me a bag full of formula.  She encouraged me to use the supplements and continue to pump she also told me that we were good parents.  Our child needed to eat and focusing on where that food came from wasn't as important. 

After weeks of diligently pumping and the majority of the bottles being comprised of formula, I eventually abandoned breastfeeding as a whole.  My son grew very well on formula and reached all of his developmental milestones very early, but it still bothers me that I have to get these disapproving looks whenever I mention my child having formula.  

Now that I am pregnant again, many people comment to me about how I need to try and breastfeed again.  To them I say why? It was not a good fit for me or my child, the latching issue was with me not the baby and pumping wasn't very successful.  Why stress out myself, husband, toddler and new baby when they can receive formula.  Everyone always says "breast is best" but aren't those people the same people who are looking down on me for formula feeding?

Parenting "trends"

Every time I go on a parenting website or social media I am confronted with new parenting trends.  I like many others feel pressure from those sources to conform to that parenting style.  Many of these trends require 24/7 dedication from the parents and as a working parent its just not feasible.  Why do other parents put so much pressure on others to parent the same way?  We focus so much on diversity and being yourself as a society; why don't we feel the same way about parenting styles? 

On many occasions I have been made to feel like less of a mother because I can not follow these trends.  I can not hold my child all day, as I am away from him 9 hours a day and when I am home I still need to get household chores done.  As many childcare providers do not assist with things like potty training my options there are limited as well.  My decision to exclusively nurse or to breastfed via pumping or formula feed was directed for me as well.  Exclusively nursing would not be a option as I would not be with my child to nurse.  For a long time I felt very guilty about these decisions I felt were being made for me until my son got a little older and was able to start appreciating how parenting worked for us. 

No child is perfect and by no means no parent is perfect.  I have been able to see, however, that my inability to follow with the new parenting trends didn't hurt my child and in some instances helped my child.  I believe society should stop putting so much emphasis on what is the correct way to parent now.  Many parenting trends of the past were found to be actually very harmful to the child, I have to wonder how many things that we are doing now going to hurt our children in the long run?  I have come to believe the things that I feel guilty about not being able to do are things that my children will never remember when they are older.  Isn't whats really important is if our kids are happy not if we're following the popular trends?

Family Time

What is better than getting on the floor and playing with your kids?  NOTHING.  When you work full-time and still have to run a household its seems like you are always playing this never ending game of catch-up.  In my house, before 8 pm its family time and we find the time very rewarding.  I am extremely blessed to get home at 4pm each day (however I leave the house before 7 am) and my husband gets home at 5:30pm.  From the time I get home each day until my husband gets home is mommy time whether that be napping on the couch or playing games, my son gets my undivided attention.  Once daddy gets home, we start making dinner.  The entire family is in the kitchen while we're making dinner.  We "cook" with my son using spare spoons and bowls or we let him help with things that are safe for him.  We dance and play with magnets on the fridge. Its our time and we love it.  Every night we sit and eat dinner as a family, the dirty dishes stay on the table and then we go play.  Bath time and bedtime are a family affair in our house.  We play together, splash in the tub, read books and when 8 pm comes its time for bed. From 8pm to bedtime is Mommy and Daddy time.  We clean up from the day but by 8:30 pm we are spending that time together.  For us that's how we keep our relationship engaging.

Each weekend we try and have some type of "event" that we do as a family.  This past weekend we went to an exhibit at a local museum, but some weekends we go swimming or clean up leaves.  Whatever the event is we do it together.  When one parent needs to go away for the weekend, the other parent keeps on with the same traditions.  We do have date nights, we try to schedule these for the weekends when we have the day to spend with our child and try to schedule them later in the day so that our son is sleeping while we are out on our date.

I think that if you make the time for your kids they will find whatever that time is to be memorable.  Running errands can be quality time if you take the time to make it quality.

Why Go Back to Work??

When I graduated high school, I would have very openly told you I wanted to be a wife and mother but I also would have told you I wanted to be a pediatric surgeon.  Like most millennials, I forged my path straight to college.  I got good grades, took the MCAT for medical school, and graduated at the top of my class.  However, I took a year to expand my skill set and see the world as a non-student; however when I got accepted to medical school I made the decision not to go.  I looked ahead to many more years of schooling, grueling hours and massive debt and chose a different path... A FAMILY.  Looking back this is the first big decision I made for my children, I wanted to provide them with a life and my time and I didn't want to keep my then boyfriend in a holding path towards the future.   In a few short years, I married my high school sweetheart purchased our first home and got pregnant with our first child.  I vividly remember painting the nursery and asking myself the following questions:

Who will I be when my children are ready to spread their own wings and they don't need me as much anymore?  Is my relationship with my husband strong enough to sit on the back burner until my children leave the nest? Will I know how to fill my time when its time for my children to start lives of their own?

The answer to those questions wasn't easy at first, but with some thought I got some clarity on the subject.  The day my children leave the nest I will be the same person that I am the last day they are with me.  I needed to maintain my own identity outside of just mommy and for me that was the one thing I felt I was most proud of and that was my career and my marriage.  I think that I needed to be fulfilled in different ways while my life would be incomplete without my children my life would also be incomplete without my career. 

I choose to go to work to provide my children with the life, I want for them.  That doesn't mean that its the life everyone believes a child needs.  I want my children to have a sense of independence but still know mommy and daddy love them.  I want them to have two parents that want to spend as much time with them as possible, but I want that sense of self worth that comes with working.  I choose to make time everyday for my husband to ensure a strong relationship, one that my children can learn from.  I want my children to strive to have a marriage like mine and if I want to teach them those lessons, I have to put just as much importance on my marriage as I do on my relationship with my children.

Welcome!!!

First, this blog is an experiment for me.  I have never blogged before but I am looking for a forum to get my thoughts across and be a safe haven and support for working moms everywhere.  My goal is not to criticize other parenting methods or other people's beliefs but rather offer my own insights into what has worked for me.  I think I look at parenting a little differently as most, as a scientist my nature I look at things more analytically and parenting as been no different.  

I am a full-time working mom, with a 1 year old little boy and another on the way (15 weeks!). As a first time mom, I did what most do and scoured the Internet looking for parenting advice.  What I found was most of the information I found was good information but very hard for me to put into practice being away from my home 45+ hours a week.  I am one of the lucky working moms, I do have my son at home with a nanny minimizing the amount of time I have to be apart from him, however I know that is not the case for most working parents.  Reaching out to other mother's, for me, was difficult as well I couldn't help but feeling judged for being a working mother.  Everyone assumed that the decision to continue working was purely financial, but in my experience it was much more than that.  Who was I if my entire identity could be summed up by wife and mother.  What did those two words mean?  Could I be a good mother if I didn't know who I was myself?  Could I be a good wife to my husband if my entire identity was tied to someone who shared half my genetic code?  I love my family and would do anything for them, but aren't I more productive and loving to them if I love myself?

I chose to work, however I choose everyday to make time for my family.  Just as I choose to go to work, I make the choice to sit on the floor and play with my son, I make the choice to cook dinner for the family each night, I make the choice to sit at the table and eat as a family, I make the choice for bath/bedtime to be family time and not a chore, and I make the choice to spend time with my husband alone every night to make sure that relationship still thrives as well.  Isn't that what parenting is about, making choices?  The choices that you think are best for your child?  While time with your child is precious they grow up way faster than nature should allow, I question is less time better in the long run if the majority of that time is quality time?