Becoming a mother has changed me.....

Becoming a mother changed me; I became a softer version of myself.  I learned more patience, my priorities shifted off myself and onto this other person.  I learned (okay maybe not learned but am working on) to not use curse words in my everyday life.  I was happy, I felt like I had found my purpose in life.  All the hard work I had put in, all the “right” decisions that I made were all worth it.

Being a mom of two has turned me into a completely different person, even more different than I was with one.   I have learned that both eating and sleeping are optional activities despite being told otherwise for the majority of my life.  I learned it is possible to hold two kids, while cooking dinner and cleaning the house.  But on a serious note, when I became a mom of two there was no more time for me.  My focus became entirely on my family.  My two sons and my husband.  I crave family time all the time.  During my commute, I think about activities for the weekend and wish my Monday through Thursday away just waiting for the weekend to hit and to spend time with my boys.

When I started blogging I started because I was frustrated with not being able to find a safe place to discuss my feelings with like-minded people.  Now I find myself in a new place, I do not share a mindset with the SAH mom’s nor do I share a mindset with the career focused working mothers nor the mothers who work out of necessity.  I shared before that my household does not need me to work that we could make ends meet on one income, however I want to work.  In recent months, however, my career just hasn’t been as important to me.  Yes, I want to do a good job at work when I am there but I want to maximize my time at home and minimize my time at work.  This is a complete shift from who I was as a person just a few months ago, let alone a few years ago.  I was so career driven, where has that gone.

I question is the shift a result of two children or a result of the growth of my children?  My older son is aware now.  He can (and will) parrot back anything that you say (yes its gotten me in trouble a few times), he has his own mind and recently started giving me a full recap of his day (normally starting with what he had for lunch).  My younger son is 4 months old he’s sitting unassisted and giggling at me daily.  He’s changing before my eyes and I don’t want to miss any changes or milestones.  Its so hard to leave that every morning. 

Does this shift have nothing to do with my family and more with my passion for my career?   I recently made a career switch that was driven by circumstance and not because I was unhappy.  However a big motivation for taking this job was the schedule and location which allow for more time with my children.  Which then circles me back to wanting to be with my kids.

I’ve noticed the same change in my husband as well.  While my husband is very focused still on building his career he also is looking for a shorter commute to increase his “family time.”  He shares in the same “Sunday night depression” that I find myself falling into every week.  He takes vacation days from work just to stay home with the kids.

I wonder is this just normal family evolution? Is this a stage that I will grow out of?  I still want to expand my family in the future how will my feelings change then?  

Why is working becoming so hard?

I previously told the story of how I had to make the gut wrenching decision to go back to work early (See Cutting Maternity Leave Short). I struggled for quite some time with my decision to go back to work.  I’ve settled into a position with a shorter work week and therefore more time with the little ones but I can’t help but shaking this nagging feeling.  I know that in my life plan being a SAHM isn’t in it but somedays I wish there was such a thing as a SAHM leave or longer maternity leave in the US.  If I were in Europe I would still be home with my little ones.   I find myself watching the clock during the day thinking longingly about when its appropriate to leave and go home to my littles.  I was never like that before.  I would be caught up in my job, consequently leaving late and calling my child’s caregiver apologizing for being late… ooopps haha.

I’m so happy at home with our little family.  I feel like my relationship with my husband is at an all-time high (and that’s saying something since we’ve been together for almost 13 years).  My relationship with my boys is great.  My toddler is a ball of energy and you can just see the wheels turning in his head all the time.  Even my infant is at a point where he is getting interactive.  I’m smiling from ear to ear the second I walk in the door every day.   My infant has started sleeping 8 hours at night and even waking with him early in the morning for a feeding and some snuggle time seems like a blessing.  Once I step out the door each morning for work it seems that I am just pushing through until I can return home again.

I’m struggling with this departure in my personality.  Am I really that different of a person or is it simply as I grow my priorities change?  Everyone grows with each different life experience but I’ve had a child before, true this is my first time having two children but is that really changing me that much?  I’m inclined to think not.  However I cannot pin point where my departure in my personality is coming from.  I do not want to fix the problem, however I am struggling with how to cope with the problem.  Being away from your family is hard enough without the extra anxiety that I am feeling.  I wonder how many other mother’s share my feelings.  Is this a silent epidemic or am I the only one experiencing this phenomenon? 

I know working now will be better in the long run but right now it feels like the hard decision.  I guess for now I focus on loving my boys (all 3 of them) and know that it will all be worth it in the long run.

What is Too Much to Sacrifice to SAH?

Ok so its that horrible day at work.  You walk in late because you spent your morning dealing with on crisis after another only to look down and notice you have two different shoes on and baby spit up on your shoulder.  You go to the bathroom try to clean off the spit up with those awesome brown paper towels (you all know what I mean) and hope no one notices the mismatched shoes as you sneak into that meeting you are late for.  Hope you can get done your work quickly so you can leave on time to pick up you're older child from school before picking up the younger one from daycare.   How much easier would it be to just stay home and take care of your children?  Internally, you start running the numbers ok without childcare and if we cancel cable, get rid of one car, cut our food bill, stop going out to dinner it totally do able.

Maybe its just the parenting groups/message boards that I am apart of but more and more I'm seeing a trend where working mothers are trying to make the jump to staying at home.  While if you can responsibly stay at home, I say go for it not judgement here, however the advice being given to those women is downright irresponsible!!

Some of the advice I've seen recently is, to drain your savings and retirement accounts you can always save money later in life and you're kids will only be small once.  More advice is to sell your house or break a lease and move into a cheaper area (worse school districts and higher crime) because you being with your kids will balance it out.  Borrow money from family and friends, they'll understand and want to help.  Declare bankruptcy, move in with family, cancel cable internet ect. and sell a car.  Another poster said to re-enroll in school online to defer student loan payments and borrow a little "extra" for living expenses.

What are we teaching out children if these are the decisions we are making and advising others to make?  The message I'm receiving is to look to others to take care of you're responsibilities for you so you can do what you WANT.  Is it really responsible to put your child into an environment that you were not comfortable with to start with just because you want to stay at home.  I also want to raise the question what happens if there is an emergency and you have no savings?

What is the plan if something happens to the family to the remaining breadwinner?  With all that being said, if you can be a stay at home parent without negatively impacting your family go for it.  There is no right answer when it comes to raising your children other than teaching them to do the right thing and be a good person.  I'm afraid, however, for my children's generation, my generation is already notorious for huge amounts of credit card debt and people living beyond their means.  Education is being valued less and less.  My hope is that my children learn from these mistakes and don't make same mistakes of my generation.

“Motherhood can be seen as a liability”

A good friend of mine and also a working mother forwarded me an article about one woman’s experience working at Amazon. (The article can be found here)  This article was in response to the NY Times article recently posted, explaining her experience when she had a baby and was diagnosed with cancer during her tenure at Amazon.  My friend and I started reading comments on both articles sending  snippets back and forth though G-chat and commenting on the stories we were reading.  As a working mother precious hours have come back into my life from the use of Amazon Prime.  My doorstep is littered almost daily with these prime boxes bringing almost anything to my door from diapers to new shoes to sunscreen.   I commented I wanted to find holes in the article because “I really love my prime and I want to have a reason not to cancel.”  Judging from the 5858 comments posted to the article to date, most people are outraged about a company’s desire to have their employees available 24/7 and with over 80 hour work weeks.  Many people commented on their personal acts of protest in canceling their prime accounts.  While the treatment of employees by Amazon is seen my most as immoral and downright wicked, I can’t help but feeling like this is a snapshot of the overall culture in the workplace.  The major difference between Amazon and other workplaces is its pride in this culture.

“Motherhood can be seen as a liability” is a line that stuck out to me in the article.  I think the author makes a great point here.  Mothers (and fathers) are often unable to sustain an 80+ hour work week and still care for their children.  Employees often experience that having children will prevent them from putting in the hours necessary for advancement.   When time is taken off for having children it often stalls your career or in the case of many of the woman who posted the follow-up article put on a performance improvement plan due to missing months of work and “falling behind” fellow co-workers.  Shouldn’t we start to evaluate the problem?   While people are quick to point fingers at Amazon and start their own personal strike from Amazon, the bigger problem still exists.  Most laws are written to favor the employer.  There is still no legally mandated paid maternity or paternity leave; these are considered to be benefits not rights to the worker.   Salaried exempt employees can be forced to work exuberant numbers of hours with no additional compensation.  What other instances would be okay with paying the same amount and getting less?  I know I would be mad if all of a sudden I went to buy my $3 dozen egg container and only received one egg.  Who would be ok with paying $3 an egg instead of the usual 25¢?  Isn’t that what is happening in the workplace?  Employers are paying an employee $400/week for 40 hours as their salary but now the employer is expecting 80 hours a week; the same employee is making 50% less for what?  While we all balk at these practices nonetheless we all comply out of fear or retribution.  We are more focused on creating a life than we are on living our lives.

In writing this post, I have reflected on my own household.  I would be proud to declare that I work 7am – 3pm in my corporate job, my husband 7:30am – 4pm.  We then come home and focus on our family, no distractions just good solid family time.  Is that really the case?  Recently, my toddler picked up and old non-working computer that we have set aside a toy and happily sat and banged on the keyboard.  I asked him what he’s was doing and he replied with “ I work” in those toddler words that just instantly melt your heart.  Where did he learn that? Obviously he learned that from my husband and me, we’ve obviously been on our computers working during the time that we define as “family time.”  How many nights at my house consisted of my husband and I sitting on our couch computers in our laps keeping an eye on sleeping kids through the baby monitor catching up on emails or reviewing documents.  Many more nights that I would care to admit.

Despite this, we are the lucky ones.  We work for employers that are considered to be “family friendly.”  I’ve always been allowed 12 weeks maternity leave however only 5 weeks are actually paid and they are paid through short-term disability (don’t even get me started on how pregnancy and having a child is a disability).  My husband has been fortunate enough to work for employers that gave him 2 weeks paid paternity leave and allowed him to take longer terms off using vacation time.  Despite our “family friendly” employers no one balks when they get an email response at 11pm many times they respond themselves.   Many companies are in the news about how they are expanding paternal leave and have new policies regarding work-life balance.  But in the words of one of the NY time interviewees “work comes first, family comes second and trying to find a balance comes last.”  In the end of the day it’s all about making money and the worker comes second….. or third. 

The workplace should consider some of the skills required to be a parent as marketable skills.  As a mother I have learned to multitask in a way that I never thought possible.  I am more organized and more focused than previously.  I’ve also matured in a way that I would not have otherwise in my opinion.  Anyone who has ever had interactions with a toddler will tell you that can certainly teach you how to think outside the box.  I’m more patient an area that many of my co-workers would attest was a definite area for improvement.  Just as everything in my work life comes into my home life, everything in my home life comes into my work life.

 I’m thankful for this Amazon article and to every Amazon employee.  While Amazon maybe the extreme, the struggle of being a good parent and a good employee is one of thousands of Americans.   By highlighting the struggles of Amazon employees, hopefully some change can occur. At what point do we value our lives more than the number on our W2?  Are we going to sit on our death bed and contemplate the promotion we didn’t get or will it be the missed sporting events?

Why there are no pictures of my kids on the internet

Social media how I love and hate you all at the same time.  It seems odd that I feel comfortable blogging my thoughts, feelings and intimate moments to be stumbled across by anyone who logs onto the internet but when it comes to my children they are nowhere to be found.  My husband and I have made a decision to keep our children off social media.  As both my children are under the age of two that means no pictures of them being posted.  Oh how family members hate that pesky little rule that we have.  “This would be such a cute instagram photo” is usually accompanied by “your no social media rule is dumb.”  They argue I will put pictures of myself on the internet by why not my kids.  They are totally correct.  It’s my decision to post my own story on social media, because that’s what it just is a story.  I choose what it is that I WANT people to see or know about me.  I can be anyone I want to social media.  I’m proud of the baby weight that I lost, I’ll post a picture of myself with a cute outfit on not a picture of my bare stretch marked ridden stomach.  I want people to see the good and not the bad.

Why do I keep my kids off social media do you ask.  The answer is my kids are innocent; they have no control over what is being put out there for them.   Once something is on the internet it’s there forever.  Those images are so freely accessible it amazes me.  An acquaintance learned that lesson the hard way and her experience was a real eye opener for me.  This person posted a picture on Instagram of her child with a few different hash tags.  A few months later a friend of hers commented on why did she let a particular entity use her kid’s photo.  She hadn’t given permission; this entity found the photo online and used it in an article they were writing.  Everything was totally legal and now her child’s photo is in a post and there is nothing she can do.  Thankfully it was a tasteful publication, but where else is that photo.   I don’t know about you but there are a lot of places on the internet that I wouldn’t want to find my child’s photo.

We’ve all seen someone screen shot someone’s facebook page, shap chat ect. and post it to another forum.  Even with the most stringent of privacy settings, your “private posts” could be made very public very quickly.  I’ve witnessed people wanting to call child services on a parent or child that they don’t know because of someone reposting a photo with no context.  How many of us have a picture of their child that taken out of context could be taken the wrong way?  I’m sure that photo of my son in the driver’s seat of my car with the parking brake on holding keys in his hand from a vehicle nowhere around could be considered very dangerous to someone who doesn’t know me, my child or the context of the photo.  The fact of the matter is any picture can be used or manipulated in any way to make it fit whatever story a person wants to tell.  It bothers me that people feel so entitled to share other people’s photos.

Are there times that I want to post pictures? Of course, what mom doesn’t want to show off their children?  I see other people post photos and I think to myself it was so cute when my son did something similar.  Or when a family member comments how they haven’t seen my kids in a while; it would be so much easier to post a picture online for everyone to see rather than sharing pictures individually. 

I don’t want to make it sound like I keep my entire life and everything about my kids off the internet.   I made a status update when my son took his first steps.  My obligatory Facebook post for my second pregnancy is found below:

                                           

No big brother holding up a sign announcing little brother’s arrival on facebook, just a simple picture stating Santa brought a little something extra this year.  Did the lack of my son’s picture detract from the happiness? No.  When little brother was born a simple facebook status was enough.  We live in such a digital society that social media is almost a given.  People do wedding invites electronically, party invitations are online as well, I don’t know about you but if I want to know the weather today I pick up my phone to check it out… walking outside to check is a thing of the past.  I want my children to be the narrators of their own stories…. They don’t need mommy to do it for them before their stories really have had time to begin.

The Balancing Act

Recently, some friends were at my home and a conversation ensued about everyone’s jobs.  One person in particular, a relatively recent college grad, commented on the numbers of hours she was working.  She commented that many of the other employees have to leave early or at a specific time because they have children at home and it wasn’t fair that she was left “picking up their slack.”  As a working mother myself that made me very sad and made me wonder if that is what my co-workers think of me.  My work schedule is dictated by my child care schedule.  Often time working parents utilize daycare for their children while they are at work.  Daycares charge sizeable fees if you are late picking up your child which become a burden on the family.  Not to mention the need for a child to spend time with their parents.  School aged children get off the bus at a specific time often necessitating for a parent to be home to meet them.  As a mother my first responsibility is to my family conversely as an employee it is expected my first responsibility be to my employer.

There is a lot of discussion surrounding work life balance.  What is work life balance?  America is one of the only industrialized countries where such little emphasis is placed on the family.  According to the Center for American Progress, 90 percent of working mothers and 95 percent of working fathers report work-family conflict.   The idea of the 40 hour work week and leaving work at the office seem to be a thing of the past.  Marriages are currently toting only a 50-60% success rate and the number of marriages per year is also declining.  I find these statistics both troubling and telling.  It appears as the demands of the work force are increasing the focus on the individual and the family is declining.  Online dating has become a norm, even finding a partner has become streamlined due to people having less free time.  The expectations of the individual to the company are usually very defined through job descriptions, annual goals ect., however what responsibility do companies have to their employees?  It appears to me this is often less defined.

Why should my co-worker who does not have children have more pressure placed on them to put more hours in at the office?  They as an individual need time to grow and explore their interests.   If I put my family first is it going to stall my career? Should I pick up the computer and work instead of playing in the yard with my kids?  I’ve heard of my co-workers reading reports to their young children as a bedtime story or answering emails when up for a midnight feeding with the baby.

I personally struggle with the balance.  Isn’t the goal in doing a good job to get rewarded and promoted?  In my experience you need to go above and beyond your expected job goals to advance in the workplace.  If the expectations of my employer are that which are detrimental to my family I am forced with a choice.  I want to be successful in my career but I also want to be a good mother.  I ask myself looking back on my life will I be more upset if I miss this time with my kids or will I be more upset that I didn’t get a specific promotion?  The answer is often to put work aside and spend the time with my family but I also feel like my career is in a holding pattern as a result. 

Will the struggle ever change?  I hope for my kids it does.  If not for me, for them.  If we continue in this direction the family as we know it is going to be a thing of the past.  No one should ever feel like they have to work 70 hours a week just to be successful.  I wonder with people working that many hours, how many of them are truly productive or are people so worn out they can’t get as much done.  I hope the family and the individual become more of a focus.   I’m going to continue to struggle with the balance every day, I love my family and I love my career and they are going to remain in competition for my time.