Why is working becoming so hard?

I previously told the story of how I had to make the gut wrenching decision to go back to work early (See Cutting Maternity Leave Short). I struggled for quite some time with my decision to go back to work.  I’ve settled into a position with a shorter work week and therefore more time with the little ones but I can’t help but shaking this nagging feeling.  I know that in my life plan being a SAHM isn’t in it but somedays I wish there was such a thing as a SAHM leave or longer maternity leave in the US.  If I were in Europe I would still be home with my little ones.   I find myself watching the clock during the day thinking longingly about when its appropriate to leave and go home to my littles.  I was never like that before.  I would be caught up in my job, consequently leaving late and calling my child’s caregiver apologizing for being late… ooopps haha.

I’m so happy at home with our little family.  I feel like my relationship with my husband is at an all-time high (and that’s saying something since we’ve been together for almost 13 years).  My relationship with my boys is great.  My toddler is a ball of energy and you can just see the wheels turning in his head all the time.  Even my infant is at a point where he is getting interactive.  I’m smiling from ear to ear the second I walk in the door every day.   My infant has started sleeping 8 hours at night and even waking with him early in the morning for a feeding and some snuggle time seems like a blessing.  Once I step out the door each morning for work it seems that I am just pushing through until I can return home again.

I’m struggling with this departure in my personality.  Am I really that different of a person or is it simply as I grow my priorities change?  Everyone grows with each different life experience but I’ve had a child before, true this is my first time having two children but is that really changing me that much?  I’m inclined to think not.  However I cannot pin point where my departure in my personality is coming from.  I do not want to fix the problem, however I am struggling with how to cope with the problem.  Being away from your family is hard enough without the extra anxiety that I am feeling.  I wonder how many other mother’s share my feelings.  Is this a silent epidemic or am I the only one experiencing this phenomenon? 

I know working now will be better in the long run but right now it feels like the hard decision.  I guess for now I focus on loving my boys (all 3 of them) and know that it will all be worth it in the long run.