Why I Turned Down My “Dream Job”

I called my husband as I left the interview for my dream job, willing to bet I would get an offer in the next few days.  I remember the energy I felt, the passion for a project that would hopefully become my 3^rd baby in a few short weeks.  I remember telling my husband that I hadn’t felt this way about work in a very long time.  The interview had been amazing; not one of those stuffy tell me about a time you encountered conflict and how did you handle it type of interviews, but a truly interactive and stimulating interview.  I headed home to my little family utterly excited about the next chapter for me.

I should step back however and explain why I was so drawn to this opportunity.  I was excited for the work itself, yes, but I was most excited about the idea of working from home.  I had been playing with the idea for months to continue working or quit my job and become a stay at home mom.  The draw to be home with my children was not something that I could ignore anymore.  Working from home seemed to be the perfect answer.  I had visions of cooking my children breakfast while answering my morning emails.  I envisioned lunch breaks at the park or playing in the back yard.  I tried to be reasonable with my expectations.  I knew I would still need the same nanny arrangement that I currently had to ensure there would be time in my day for work but the idea was so alluring.

Now the downside….. TRAVEL.  At first the idea didn't seem so bad.  Many of the clients were located a drive able distance or a 45 minute commuter flight.  One client was across the country in CA but I could handle 1 or 2 trips a year I would just bring the kids and hubby with me.  Everything would work out.  See my oldest is 2 1/2 years old.  I've left him 3 nights in his entire life.  1 when he was 6 weeks old, 1 for a wedding in which I made sure to dedicate the day to him and 1 night when I gave birth to his brother.  My 10 month old has never gone to bed with out his mother.  The idea of their possibly being a day when I wouldn't see my children seemed unbearable.  I know children need some independence and I do get that but I don't know if I'm ok with not seeing my children everyday.

I spent days telling myself it would be ok.  It's not like I would be leaving them with strangers I would be leaving them with their FATHER.  If I'm not with them isn't their daddy the next best thing? My husband was so supportive he kept telling me to do what made me happy.  What would make me happy?  My career is important to me but my family is my world.  

While sitting in the dark while my toddler babbled away fighting his heavy eye lids, tears began to run down my face.  It wasn't that long ago his broken sentences made little sense and much to the imagination.  Now I get a full recap of his day (starting with the theme of today's episode of paw patrol), what was he going to be like 6 months from now? My little baby is making strides into toddlerhood, cruising all around the house.  What happened if he took his 1st step while I was away on business?

The next morning I turned my dream job down.  A little sadness washed over me as I pressed send but I knew it was the right decision for my children.  I didn't count on what happened next.  The company re-extended a more lucrative offer.  At that moment I second guessed my decision.  I mean it feels really good to be wanted that badly.  I spent a few days replaying my decision in my head.  This time I picked up the phone and called someone I consider to be an amazing mentor.  She is the person I want to be when I grow up!   Ultimately, I stuck with my decision and haven't looked back but I learned some important lessons along the way.

I am both a mom and a business person.  I always wanted to be the person who had it all and did it all.  But the reality is no matter what decision you make in life something is going to have to give.  In my case, I want to make sure I have quality and abundant time with my children everyday and I'm not willing to give up even one day.  That by no means is the right answer for everyone.  I know with that decision I have to temper my expectations of myself in regards to my career progression.  With higher positions comes more responsibility. That is a responsibility that I can not take on right now and I have to be ok with that.  Lesson learned!!!

Hats off the all the super moms, you are my inspiration.

More Working Parents = More Quality Time with Children

But what does the modern family look like?

I recently read an article about a “modern parenting crisis.”  The article describes the author’s childhood and the “benign neglect” he experienced.  His afternoons spent blissfully entertaining himself while his parents spent their time engaged in their own interests and experiences.  The article then highlights a surprising fact; mothers who spend more time working spend MORE time with their children than did our stay at home parents.  Additionally, as a whole, contemporary fathers spend more time with their children than did previous generations.  The article’s author then spends the remainder of the article arguing for how parents should be more involved in self-care and teach their children to be more self-sufficient. 

With that being said, the idea of working parents spending more one on one or more focused time with their children stuck with me.  I’ve spent many hours now thinking on this, maybe for my own comfort or maybe because I am delusional; I am finding some merit in the argument.  As a working mother, I feel as if the time in which I am not at work belongs to my children, for better or for worse (better in my opinion but my eternal need for a manicure may speak against that).  Chores, shopping ect are reserved for when my children are sleeping.  I will run an errand or two during the week on my lunch break, half of the contents of my house come from Amazon but when I am home my focus is on my children.

I am not arguing that stay at home parents do not show their children love or affection.  Nor am I arguing they are lesser parents at all however I feel as though when you have the entire cake you don’t savor every bite the same as you do when you only have a slice.  I’m as guilty as the next person of spending too much time on social media and recently I have noticed a trend.  My stay at home mommy friends are some of the most frequent posters on my feeds however a lot of what they post is not centered on their children.  They are not checking in at the local play area but rather at Starbucks.  They comment on how this is the 4^th time they were at Target this week or how they left the kids with daddy and spent an hour sitting in the car before actually going into the grocery store to do their shopping.  I agree working parents get out and get to socialize at work and stay at home parents do not but I wonder if their days are actually filled with the same level of focused time with their children we working parents envision and envy.

I do wonder, however, if this overall trend of focusing primarily on our children is also contributing to the mounting rate of divorce.  Is my habit of pushing all of the household responsibilities off until the children are asleep hurting my marriage? Would it be better for my children to lose 15 minutes with me and spend that time later focusing on my husband?

I think there has to be a compromise somewhere along the way. Maybe 1 night a week we leave the dirty dishes in the sink and spend that time together?  Maybe the entire family has a cleaning party (my toddler loves getting his spray bottle of water and cleaning like mommy) on Saturday morning?  Maybe the key is making activities that are not traditionally “family activities” into family activities.

I plan on still spending every moment that I can with my children.  I feel like I keep blinking and they are brand new kids.  I do however plan on letting go a little bit (I’m so stereo typically type A it’s going to be a challenge) and embrace the fact that I’m making memories with my husband the same way I am with my children when I’m leaving those dirty dishes in the sink.  One day I will be really sad when I don’t have to walk through a mind field of toys but the one person who will still be by my side is my husband so right now he’s important too.

Personal Space and Pregnancy

I must be way behind the eight ball on this one but this news story on touching pregnant woman’s bellies came up on my facebook newsfeed today.  (http://www.cnn.com/2013/10/28/living/parents-illegal-touching-pregnant-belly/)  I’m amazed that I missed this running in 2013 because the story coincides with my first pregnancy and the experience I was having myself.

In brief, the story discusses how one PA woman filed harassment charges after a random man touched her pregnant belly in the grocery story.  It appeared that the public had mixed emotions on the subject and the man being charged said he thought that was a social norm.  When has touching become a social norm?  While I appreciate the miracle of being pregnant and birth, I do not feel it is an invitation to throw respect for people’s personal space out the window.  I question why it is appropriate to touch a pregnant person’s belly but not some super toned person with 6-pack abs?  

They both have interesting mid sections.  Because mine is hosting another person it’s just free game to touch my belly.  However this does make me wonder if there should be something on the books to deal with this subject directly.  In PA a harassment conviction carries a fine up to $300 and/or up to 90 days in jail.  I do think 90 days in jail is a bit excessive but please respect my person space even if I am taking up more of it.  There are laws on the books for cyber bullying (its literally the offense right below harassment in the PA legislature. 

Following the same theme, why do people think it’s acceptable to touch my baby?  Why when I’m in the grocery store do people think its acceptable to reach into my cart and touch my baby in the baby carrier covered in a blanket.  Don’t they realize they are a big ball or germs?  Or simply my CHILD is a person and not a toy?  Are you going to pay for their health insurance, diapers, formula, clothes ect.  If not don’t touch without permission.

With that being said, many of my friends weren’t the biggest fan of my no touching policies.  Even my husband had to ask permission.  So I wonder  do other people share my sentiments or am I in the minority in thinking personal space should apply to pregnant woman as well

An Open Letter To My Husband After Two Kids

To my husband, after I’ve had two kids,

Do you remember a time before we had kids?  Do you remember staying in bed until 11am on Saturday morning and trying to decide if we should have breakfast, no lunch, no breakfast?  Do you remember vacations?  Do you remember lying on the beach for hours reading a book?  I would pack more bikinis than days we were vacationing with lingerie to match.  Do you remember going to dinner at a restaurant?  That feels like a lifetime ago.  Actually it was two lifetimes ago.  Before my mind was always consumed with the kid’s schedules, spending time with them, and finding “family activities” for every weekend.  Back when I had confidence.  Where did that confidence go?  It seems to have gone missing with the body I used to have.  The first time it was so easy to get my baby back, not so easy the second time.  The extra 10 lbs and the stretch marks are a constant reminder of both the person I lost and the miracles that I gained. 

This caught me by surprise.  I was thinner after baby #1 than on our wedding day.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  This wasn’t the dream that we talked about.  We talked about dinner as a family, playing in the backyard, vacations and holidays.  We talked about the things we would teach them and the memories we would make. We talked about how we would live not how we would feel.  Me post partum baby 2 is very different.  What will I look like post partum baby 3 or 4?  Will there even be hope for me to find myself.  Will the girl that you saw on your wedding day ever come back?

I cringe when I think about who I have become.  So shy, so unsure of myself.  These other moms bounce right back.  They are so confident with their “mommy bodies.”  I’m jealous of those mom’s that can balance themselves and their kids.  The ones that still find time to get their nails done and juggle 4 babies.  After 2 pregnancies, after two labors, after thousands of bottles and diapers changed I seem to lost myself.  I know she has to be right under my nose but I can’t find her.  I think she’s hiding under the mountains of toys or the clothes that I aspire to fit into again.  I pray the old me comes back sometimes but I know she won’t.  She’s gone, I’ve been changed by these two little faces that look up at me so lovingly every day. 

So meet the new me, mommy of two.  While I’m struggling to love me, you’re not.  You still look at me like we’re 16 years old.  I still catch you sneaking peeks when I am bending over.  You don’t judge me when I’m eating a bowl of ice cream for dinner at 9pm.  You never point out when I’m being unreasonable.  You back me up when I go into “mama bear mode.”  You love me.  You have the confidence in me that I lost.  I’m trying hard to see what you see, honestly I am trying.  I promise I will love myself again, I will get there.

Thank-you!  Thank-you for the beautiful life that we have.  Thank-you for loving me no matter what.  Thank you for always thinking I’m the prettiest, smartest and sexiest girl in the room.  Thank you for our family.  Thank you for making put that bikini back on J.

Becoming a mother has changed me.....

Becoming a mother changed me; I became a softer version of myself.  I learned more patience, my priorities shifted off myself and onto this other person.  I learned (okay maybe not learned but am working on) to not use curse words in my everyday life.  I was happy, I felt like I had found my purpose in life.  All the hard work I had put in, all the “right” decisions that I made were all worth it.

Being a mom of two has turned me into a completely different person, even more different than I was with one.   I have learned that both eating and sleeping are optional activities despite being told otherwise for the majority of my life.  I learned it is possible to hold two kids, while cooking dinner and cleaning the house.  But on a serious note, when I became a mom of two there was no more time for me.  My focus became entirely on my family.  My two sons and my husband.  I crave family time all the time.  During my commute, I think about activities for the weekend and wish my Monday through Thursday away just waiting for the weekend to hit and to spend time with my boys.

When I started blogging I started because I was frustrated with not being able to find a safe place to discuss my feelings with like-minded people.  Now I find myself in a new place, I do not share a mindset with the SAH mom’s nor do I share a mindset with the career focused working mothers nor the mothers who work out of necessity.  I shared before that my household does not need me to work that we could make ends meet on one income, however I want to work.  In recent months, however, my career just hasn’t been as important to me.  Yes, I want to do a good job at work when I am there but I want to maximize my time at home and minimize my time at work.  This is a complete shift from who I was as a person just a few months ago, let alone a few years ago.  I was so career driven, where has that gone.

I question is the shift a result of two children or a result of the growth of my children?  My older son is aware now.  He can (and will) parrot back anything that you say (yes its gotten me in trouble a few times), he has his own mind and recently started giving me a full recap of his day (normally starting with what he had for lunch).  My younger son is 4 months old he’s sitting unassisted and giggling at me daily.  He’s changing before my eyes and I don’t want to miss any changes or milestones.  Its so hard to leave that every morning. 

Does this shift have nothing to do with my family and more with my passion for my career?   I recently made a career switch that was driven by circumstance and not because I was unhappy.  However a big motivation for taking this job was the schedule and location which allow for more time with my children.  Which then circles me back to wanting to be with my kids.

I’ve noticed the same change in my husband as well.  While my husband is very focused still on building his career he also is looking for a shorter commute to increase his “family time.”  He shares in the same “Sunday night depression” that I find myself falling into every week.  He takes vacation days from work just to stay home with the kids.

I wonder is this just normal family evolution? Is this a stage that I will grow out of?  I still want to expand my family in the future how will my feelings change then?  

Why is working becoming so hard?

I previously told the story of how I had to make the gut wrenching decision to go back to work early (See Cutting Maternity Leave Short). I struggled for quite some time with my decision to go back to work.  I’ve settled into a position with a shorter work week and therefore more time with the little ones but I can’t help but shaking this nagging feeling.  I know that in my life plan being a SAHM isn’t in it but somedays I wish there was such a thing as a SAHM leave or longer maternity leave in the US.  If I were in Europe I would still be home with my little ones.   I find myself watching the clock during the day thinking longingly about when its appropriate to leave and go home to my littles.  I was never like that before.  I would be caught up in my job, consequently leaving late and calling my child’s caregiver apologizing for being late… ooopps haha.

I’m so happy at home with our little family.  I feel like my relationship with my husband is at an all-time high (and that’s saying something since we’ve been together for almost 13 years).  My relationship with my boys is great.  My toddler is a ball of energy and you can just see the wheels turning in his head all the time.  Even my infant is at a point where he is getting interactive.  I’m smiling from ear to ear the second I walk in the door every day.   My infant has started sleeping 8 hours at night and even waking with him early in the morning for a feeding and some snuggle time seems like a blessing.  Once I step out the door each morning for work it seems that I am just pushing through until I can return home again.

I’m struggling with this departure in my personality.  Am I really that different of a person or is it simply as I grow my priorities change?  Everyone grows with each different life experience but I’ve had a child before, true this is my first time having two children but is that really changing me that much?  I’m inclined to think not.  However I cannot pin point where my departure in my personality is coming from.  I do not want to fix the problem, however I am struggling with how to cope with the problem.  Being away from your family is hard enough without the extra anxiety that I am feeling.  I wonder how many other mother’s share my feelings.  Is this a silent epidemic or am I the only one experiencing this phenomenon? 

I know working now will be better in the long run but right now it feels like the hard decision.  I guess for now I focus on loving my boys (all 3 of them) and know that it will all be worth it in the long run.

What is Too Much to Sacrifice to SAH?

Ok so its that horrible day at work.  You walk in late because you spent your morning dealing with on crisis after another only to look down and notice you have two different shoes on and baby spit up on your shoulder.  You go to the bathroom try to clean off the spit up with those awesome brown paper towels (you all know what I mean) and hope no one notices the mismatched shoes as you sneak into that meeting you are late for.  Hope you can get done your work quickly so you can leave on time to pick up you're older child from school before picking up the younger one from daycare.   How much easier would it be to just stay home and take care of your children?  Internally, you start running the numbers ok without childcare and if we cancel cable, get rid of one car, cut our food bill, stop going out to dinner it totally do able.

Maybe its just the parenting groups/message boards that I am apart of but more and more I'm seeing a trend where working mothers are trying to make the jump to staying at home.  While if you can responsibly stay at home, I say go for it not judgement here, however the advice being given to those women is downright irresponsible!!

Some of the advice I've seen recently is, to drain your savings and retirement accounts you can always save money later in life and you're kids will only be small once.  More advice is to sell your house or break a lease and move into a cheaper area (worse school districts and higher crime) because you being with your kids will balance it out.  Borrow money from family and friends, they'll understand and want to help.  Declare bankruptcy, move in with family, cancel cable internet ect. and sell a car.  Another poster said to re-enroll in school online to defer student loan payments and borrow a little "extra" for living expenses.

What are we teaching out children if these are the decisions we are making and advising others to make?  The message I'm receiving is to look to others to take care of you're responsibilities for you so you can do what you WANT.  Is it really responsible to put your child into an environment that you were not comfortable with to start with just because you want to stay at home.  I also want to raise the question what happens if there is an emergency and you have no savings?

What is the plan if something happens to the family to the remaining breadwinner?  With all that being said, if you can be a stay at home parent without negatively impacting your family go for it.  There is no right answer when it comes to raising your children other than teaching them to do the right thing and be a good person.  I'm afraid, however, for my children's generation, my generation is already notorious for huge amounts of credit card debt and people living beyond their means.  Education is being valued less and less.  My hope is that my children learn from these mistakes and don't make same mistakes of my generation.

The Day My Son Wanted Nothing to Do With Me

While on vacation with my entire family I had one of the most heart breaking things happen... my son wanted nothing to do with me only my mother (his grandmother).  My mom watches him everyday while I am working so they have a strong bond, but this was completely heart breaking.  If I would take my son into another room for a even a simple task of changing his diaper he would scream bloody murder for my mother.  He wouldn't eat any meals at the table with the rest of the family he wanted to sit on the couch with "Mimi" and eat (despite Mimi sitting at the table with the rest of the family).  We took him to the beach and Mimi had to be the one in the ocean, Mimi had to play in the sand.  When we got back Mimi had to cook his lunch and put him down for his nap.  At bedtime, Mimi had to give him his bath and put him to bed (a task usually reserved for only mommy and daddy).  At one point my husband attempted to help my mother and my son pushed him away and told him no.

There my husband and I were, standing in the kitchen of our rented beach condo, heartbroken wondering what to do next.  My two month old was happily sleeping in the bedroom, surely he still loved us but what did we do to make our toddler favor his grandmother; I didn't want my youngest to favor her too.  I began sobbing into the kitchen counter feeling like a failure as a mother.  I love my kids, they are my everything.  All of my time is devoted to caring for them and being with them.  Yes I do work 40+ hours a week but I wake them up and make their breakfast in the morning, I am getting home when they are waking up from their afternoon naps (thanks to my 10 minute commute) and spend every weekend doing activities with them.  So why did my son want to be with his grandmother over his mother?  What seemed like an eternity later, my mom emerged from the bedroom, my son had fallen asleep and she apologized to me.  She felt bad that my son was favoring her, it was no fault of hers no fault of my son; it was just the fact in that moment.  I went to bed that night feeling very defeated and very heartbroken.

I woke up the next morning to my son snuggled in bed next to me (his bed was in the same room as mine for vacation).  He had woken up in the middle of the night and saw mommy and daddy were in the room and climbed into our bed for comfort.  Obviously, the topic of conversation at the breakfast table was the big elephant in the room.  With the prodding of my brother and sister (thanks again!), we discovered that Mimi had "altered" my son's routine after my second was born.  As my second son likes to eat leisurely, Mimi has started allowing my toddler to eat meals in the family room with his toys so she can focus on feeding the baby.  Since Mommy and Daddy have only left my son to be put to bed by his Mimi (or anybody else) less than 5 nights, Mimi has snuggled with him and watched Sesame Street with him until he fell asleep.  The answer wasn't that he loved his Mimi more than Mommy and Daddy the answer was he liked the way Mimi did things.  As Mimi put it, Mommy and Daddy have more rules.

I was very worried that this was going to continue throughout the entire vacation and extend into our "normal lives" once we got home but thankfully it didn't.  When Mimi became aware of what was happening she enforced mommy and daddy's rules and the Mimi fascination seemed to dwindle.  He still loved his Mimi and wanted to do things with her but he also wanted to interact with all his other family members as well.

Our first night home my son got right into bed and fell right asleep just like he was doing before we went for vacation.  He fell right back into his normal routine in stride as though it had not been interrupted for the week prior.  He was content when Mimi left when Mommy got home from work (even if he wasn't content to stay inside since it was raining and his brother is 2 months old).  He's the exact same kid as he was before we left for vacation except with more words and requesting ice cream every night (Thanks Uncle B).

This was a definite learning experience for me!  Sometimes being a Mommy is a thankless job and sometimes that means not being the "fun one" or the popular one with your kids,  I need to focus on my relationships with my kids and not focus on being the most liked person in their lives.  That doesn't mean however that I don't want to be the most liked in their lives and that it doesn't hurt when they favor someone else.  What am I going to do when they want to go away on a trip without me or want to get married?  I think those things are going to break my heart, but I can't cry in the kitchen forever or can I?

Making "Mommy Friends"

As a young professional, my social circle is kind of evolving daily.  After having my son I found myself if a very unique place.  NONE of my high school and college friends were even married (most not even dating) and kids were the last thing on their mind.  Our siblings do not have any kids either.  We had two couple friends that had babies as well and I had one co-worker friend who had just gotten pregnant so my pool of “mommy friends” was pretty light.   I made the choice for my kids to be cared for at home, so there were no parents to meet from the day care class.  Where was I going to meet “mommy friends”?

The truth is I still don’t know.  My oldest son is 21 months old and I still have the same number of mommy friends.  As a working mother I find it hard to make mommy friends.  I have spent countless hours looking into activities that I could do with my kids and other parents.  Most mommy and me activities I have found occur late morning on weekdays which essentially cuts out the whole working parent population.  I did enroll my oldest in swimming lessons, it was a mommy and me type course.  I would chat with the other parents while we were waiting for the class to start.  Most were SAH moms and the majority of their play dates occur during the day Monday through Friday.  Another social circle that I was unable to break into. L

My other concern with my lack of “mommy friends” was socialization for my son (my youngest is too young to need socialization).  Thankfully, this has resolved itself slightly with a combination of my neighbor and “grandmommy friends.”  My next door neighbor babysits her grandson who is slightly older than my oldest and the two have quickly become great friends and the close proximity makes it possible for them to play together almost every day. 

My question remains how do I make “mommy friends” or do I continue to keep my life very separate.  To be fair I must say that I have a collection of friends that are more than happy to have my little guys in tow when we hang out.  Hopefully some of my non-mommy friends become “mommy friends” themselves until then I guess the hunt continues. 

“Motherhood can be seen as a liability”

A good friend of mine and also a working mother forwarded me an article about one woman’s experience working at Amazon. (The article can be found here)  This article was in response to the NY Times article recently posted, explaining her experience when she had a baby and was diagnosed with cancer during her tenure at Amazon.  My friend and I started reading comments on both articles sending  snippets back and forth though G-chat and commenting on the stories we were reading.  As a working mother precious hours have come back into my life from the use of Amazon Prime.  My doorstep is littered almost daily with these prime boxes bringing almost anything to my door from diapers to new shoes to sunscreen.   I commented I wanted to find holes in the article because “I really love my prime and I want to have a reason not to cancel.”  Judging from the 5858 comments posted to the article to date, most people are outraged about a company’s desire to have their employees available 24/7 and with over 80 hour work weeks.  Many people commented on their personal acts of protest in canceling their prime accounts.  While the treatment of employees by Amazon is seen my most as immoral and downright wicked, I can’t help but feeling like this is a snapshot of the overall culture in the workplace.  The major difference between Amazon and other workplaces is its pride in this culture.

“Motherhood can be seen as a liability” is a line that stuck out to me in the article.  I think the author makes a great point here.  Mothers (and fathers) are often unable to sustain an 80+ hour work week and still care for their children.  Employees often experience that having children will prevent them from putting in the hours necessary for advancement.   When time is taken off for having children it often stalls your career or in the case of many of the woman who posted the follow-up article put on a performance improvement plan due to missing months of work and “falling behind” fellow co-workers.  Shouldn’t we start to evaluate the problem?   While people are quick to point fingers at Amazon and start their own personal strike from Amazon, the bigger problem still exists.  Most laws are written to favor the employer.  There is still no legally mandated paid maternity or paternity leave; these are considered to be benefits not rights to the worker.   Salaried exempt employees can be forced to work exuberant numbers of hours with no additional compensation.  What other instances would be okay with paying the same amount and getting less?  I know I would be mad if all of a sudden I went to buy my $3 dozen egg container and only received one egg.  Who would be ok with paying $3 an egg instead of the usual 25¢?  Isn’t that what is happening in the workplace?  Employers are paying an employee $400/week for 40 hours as their salary but now the employer is expecting 80 hours a week; the same employee is making 50% less for what?  While we all balk at these practices nonetheless we all comply out of fear or retribution.  We are more focused on creating a life than we are on living our lives.

In writing this post, I have reflected on my own household.  I would be proud to declare that I work 7am – 3pm in my corporate job, my husband 7:30am – 4pm.  We then come home and focus on our family, no distractions just good solid family time.  Is that really the case?  Recently, my toddler picked up and old non-working computer that we have set aside a toy and happily sat and banged on the keyboard.  I asked him what he’s was doing and he replied with “ I work” in those toddler words that just instantly melt your heart.  Where did he learn that? Obviously he learned that from my husband and me, we’ve obviously been on our computers working during the time that we define as “family time.”  How many nights at my house consisted of my husband and I sitting on our couch computers in our laps keeping an eye on sleeping kids through the baby monitor catching up on emails or reviewing documents.  Many more nights that I would care to admit.

Despite this, we are the lucky ones.  We work for employers that are considered to be “family friendly.”  I’ve always been allowed 12 weeks maternity leave however only 5 weeks are actually paid and they are paid through short-term disability (don’t even get me started on how pregnancy and having a child is a disability).  My husband has been fortunate enough to work for employers that gave him 2 weeks paid paternity leave and allowed him to take longer terms off using vacation time.  Despite our “family friendly” employers no one balks when they get an email response at 11pm many times they respond themselves.   Many companies are in the news about how they are expanding paternal leave and have new policies regarding work-life balance.  But in the words of one of the NY time interviewees “work comes first, family comes second and trying to find a balance comes last.”  In the end of the day it’s all about making money and the worker comes second….. or third. 

The workplace should consider some of the skills required to be a parent as marketable skills.  As a mother I have learned to multitask in a way that I never thought possible.  I am more organized and more focused than previously.  I’ve also matured in a way that I would not have otherwise in my opinion.  Anyone who has ever had interactions with a toddler will tell you that can certainly teach you how to think outside the box.  I’m more patient an area that many of my co-workers would attest was a definite area for improvement.  Just as everything in my work life comes into my home life, everything in my home life comes into my work life.

 I’m thankful for this Amazon article and to every Amazon employee.  While Amazon maybe the extreme, the struggle of being a good parent and a good employee is one of thousands of Americans.   By highlighting the struggles of Amazon employees, hopefully some change can occur. At what point do we value our lives more than the number on our W2?  Are we going to sit on our death bed and contemplate the promotion we didn’t get or will it be the missed sporting events?

Why there are no pictures of my kids on the internet

Social media how I love and hate you all at the same time.  It seems odd that I feel comfortable blogging my thoughts, feelings and intimate moments to be stumbled across by anyone who logs onto the internet but when it comes to my children they are nowhere to be found.  My husband and I have made a decision to keep our children off social media.  As both my children are under the age of two that means no pictures of them being posted.  Oh how family members hate that pesky little rule that we have.  “This would be such a cute instagram photo” is usually accompanied by “your no social media rule is dumb.”  They argue I will put pictures of myself on the internet by why not my kids.  They are totally correct.  It’s my decision to post my own story on social media, because that’s what it just is a story.  I choose what it is that I WANT people to see or know about me.  I can be anyone I want to social media.  I’m proud of the baby weight that I lost, I’ll post a picture of myself with a cute outfit on not a picture of my bare stretch marked ridden stomach.  I want people to see the good and not the bad.

Why do I keep my kids off social media do you ask.  The answer is my kids are innocent; they have no control over what is being put out there for them.   Once something is on the internet it’s there forever.  Those images are so freely accessible it amazes me.  An acquaintance learned that lesson the hard way and her experience was a real eye opener for me.  This person posted a picture on Instagram of her child with a few different hash tags.  A few months later a friend of hers commented on why did she let a particular entity use her kid’s photo.  She hadn’t given permission; this entity found the photo online and used it in an article they were writing.  Everything was totally legal and now her child’s photo is in a post and there is nothing she can do.  Thankfully it was a tasteful publication, but where else is that photo.   I don’t know about you but there are a lot of places on the internet that I wouldn’t want to find my child’s photo.

We’ve all seen someone screen shot someone’s facebook page, shap chat ect. and post it to another forum.  Even with the most stringent of privacy settings, your “private posts” could be made very public very quickly.  I’ve witnessed people wanting to call child services on a parent or child that they don’t know because of someone reposting a photo with no context.  How many of us have a picture of their child that taken out of context could be taken the wrong way?  I’m sure that photo of my son in the driver’s seat of my car with the parking brake on holding keys in his hand from a vehicle nowhere around could be considered very dangerous to someone who doesn’t know me, my child or the context of the photo.  The fact of the matter is any picture can be used or manipulated in any way to make it fit whatever story a person wants to tell.  It bothers me that people feel so entitled to share other people’s photos.

Are there times that I want to post pictures? Of course, what mom doesn’t want to show off their children?  I see other people post photos and I think to myself it was so cute when my son did something similar.  Or when a family member comments how they haven’t seen my kids in a while; it would be so much easier to post a picture online for everyone to see rather than sharing pictures individually. 

I don’t want to make it sound like I keep my entire life and everything about my kids off the internet.   I made a status update when my son took his first steps.  My obligatory Facebook post for my second pregnancy is found below:

                                           

No big brother holding up a sign announcing little brother’s arrival on facebook, just a simple picture stating Santa brought a little something extra this year.  Did the lack of my son’s picture detract from the happiness? No.  When little brother was born a simple facebook status was enough.  We live in such a digital society that social media is almost a given.  People do wedding invites electronically, party invitations are online as well, I don’t know about you but if I want to know the weather today I pick up my phone to check it out… walking outside to check is a thing of the past.  I want my children to be the narrators of their own stories…. They don’t need mommy to do it for them before their stories really have had time to begin.

The Balancing Act

Recently, some friends were at my home and a conversation ensued about everyone’s jobs.  One person in particular, a relatively recent college grad, commented on the numbers of hours she was working.  She commented that many of the other employees have to leave early or at a specific time because they have children at home and it wasn’t fair that she was left “picking up their slack.”  As a working mother myself that made me very sad and made me wonder if that is what my co-workers think of me.  My work schedule is dictated by my child care schedule.  Often time working parents utilize daycare for their children while they are at work.  Daycares charge sizeable fees if you are late picking up your child which become a burden on the family.  Not to mention the need for a child to spend time with their parents.  School aged children get off the bus at a specific time often necessitating for a parent to be home to meet them.  As a mother my first responsibility is to my family conversely as an employee it is expected my first responsibility be to my employer.

There is a lot of discussion surrounding work life balance.  What is work life balance?  America is one of the only industrialized countries where such little emphasis is placed on the family.  According to the Center for American Progress, 90 percent of working mothers and 95 percent of working fathers report work-family conflict.   The idea of the 40 hour work week and leaving work at the office seem to be a thing of the past.  Marriages are currently toting only a 50-60% success rate and the number of marriages per year is also declining.  I find these statistics both troubling and telling.  It appears as the demands of the work force are increasing the focus on the individual and the family is declining.  Online dating has become a norm, even finding a partner has become streamlined due to people having less free time.  The expectations of the individual to the company are usually very defined through job descriptions, annual goals ect., however what responsibility do companies have to their employees?  It appears to me this is often less defined.

Why should my co-worker who does not have children have more pressure placed on them to put more hours in at the office?  They as an individual need time to grow and explore their interests.   If I put my family first is it going to stall my career? Should I pick up the computer and work instead of playing in the yard with my kids?  I’ve heard of my co-workers reading reports to their young children as a bedtime story or answering emails when up for a midnight feeding with the baby.

I personally struggle with the balance.  Isn’t the goal in doing a good job to get rewarded and promoted?  In my experience you need to go above and beyond your expected job goals to advance in the workplace.  If the expectations of my employer are that which are detrimental to my family I am forced with a choice.  I want to be successful in my career but I also want to be a good mother.  I ask myself looking back on my life will I be more upset if I miss this time with my kids or will I be more upset that I didn’t get a specific promotion?  The answer is often to put work aside and spend the time with my family but I also feel like my career is in a holding pattern as a result. 

Will the struggle ever change?  I hope for my kids it does.  If not for me, for them.  If we continue in this direction the family as we know it is going to be a thing of the past.  No one should ever feel like they have to work 70 hours a week just to be successful.  I wonder with people working that many hours, how many of them are truly productive or are people so worn out they can’t get as much done.  I hope the family and the individual become more of a focus.   I’m going to continue to struggle with the balance every day, I love my family and I love my career and they are going to remain in competition for my time.

My Marriage After Kids

I am by no expert on relationships; I actually have very little experience with new relationships.  I met my husband when we were 16 years old. We dated through high school and college in the off and on format that is so common at that age.  We attended different high schools and colleges but maintained the relationship by establishing a regular schedule of seeing each other.  As we matured so did our relationship and we learned to resolve conflict with conversation and mutual understanding in lieu of our previous method of “breaking up.”  After 9 years of dating, we married.  We’ve been married for just under 3 years and have two children together.  Ok that’s enough of a biography on me and my husband.

Anyone who has gotten married in the Catholic church you know all about pre-cana, for those of you who haven’t let me bring you up to speed.  Pre-cana is a series of classes or meetings that couples must attend before getting married.  The following topics are “required” to be discussed:

·         Spirituality/Faith

·         Conflict Resolution Skills

·         Careers

·         Finances

·         Intimacy/Cohabitation

·         Children

·         Commitment

This was the first time my husband and myself really sat and had some open conversations about our life plan timeline and how children fit into our picture.  Both of us had some couples in our lives that we thought were good examples of what we wanted our relationship to look like and both of us knew we did not want the type of relationships that we saw between our parents.  The one common theme we both saw in our parents was that there was not a focus on the other spouse which we deemed was the #1 thing we wanted to ensure we had in our married.

Over a year later we found ourselves married, moved into our first home and expecting our first child.  I was worried that having a baby was going to change our relationship.  I was afraid that all the focus was going to be on the baby and we were going to end up complete strangers living under the same roof.  We made the decision to put aside time every day that is just for us!  To put this into practice we established a bed time for our son of 8 pm and we diligently put the baby to bed at 8pm (even though we weren’t always successful).  From 8pm until we went to bed (or the baby woke up) was our time. 

Two years later that is still our time.  We watch our favorite tv series, play cards, clean or organize the house, talk, have a fire in our fire pit, ect.  My friends joke that we’re always busy making babies when ours are asleep and they are probably right.  I believe that’s an important part of any relationship.  To be perfectly honest, that’s also the time when we do most of our arguing.  When talking to other parents (and just other couples) to be honest it seems like taking your partner for granite seems to be an epidemic in our society.  Everyone is on all the time, on line, on the phone, on social media that it’s difficult to be in the present.  That’s not to say I can’t be found to be playing some candy crush before I go to bed each night but it’s so easy to let that stuff come in between my relationship.

Date night can become very expensive very quickly.  Dinner and a movie can easily be $70 and then a babysitter can easily cost $50 so that date gets expensive fast.  We try to make every night a date night and when we do go out without the kids we make it count.  I don’t think my marriage is perfect; yes we could do a few more date nights and we could probably spend less time on our computers working on our fantasy football teams but we’re happy.  I can honestly say I look forward to seeing my husband after work and even after 12 years he still makes me smile everyday (just don’t tell him that haha).

Cutting Maternity Leave Short

Cutting my maternity short was a heart wrenching decision for me.  I found myself in a difficult situation at the start of my maternity leave.  Before going on leave I was in a dead end job (literally the date everyone was getting laid off was announced) where morale was low and the tasks monotonous.  My growth potential there had expired however my loyalty still hadn't waivered.  Little did I know a job offer would come my way before my husband's paternity leave even expired.  There was a bit of a catch, I couldn't wait the 12 weeks I had set aside for maternity leave, I was going to have to return to work when my youngest was only 8 weeks old.

I struggled with the decision to go back for days on end.  For the purpose of this post I will comment only on those pertaining to my family and not about leaving a job that I loved. I would be lying if I said I did not consider becoming a stay at home mom.  Financially my family would be fine, we would have to make some changes to our life style but we would be ok.  I thought longingly about spending all day with my boys.  The places we'ed go, the things we would do but then I also realized staying at home wouldn't be the same as maternity leave it would be life and not a vacation.  I wouldn't have people coming over all the time to see the new baby ect.  My days (and finanaces) would not be as carefree as they were on maternity leave.

GUILT was the #1 feeling that I struggled with.  As the oldest of 3, I have always been taught that everything between siblings should be equal.  I stayed home with my first for 12 weeks it wasn't equal if I only stayed home with my second for 8 weeks.  Did that mean I loved my first more? I had retained all of my vacation time to prepare for my maternity leave.  I struggled with feeling like I shouldn't have saved that time instead of spending it with my family. 

I felt torn.  With my first son, I loved every minute of being a mom but at the same time I craved adult interaction and the challenge that work provided.  On the other hand, after my second I loved being home every minute.  The hours of circular conversation with my toddler about the sounds a cow makes or which ball we should throw were pure bliss.  The silent moments feeding and cuddling my second felt like I was on vacation.  At no point did I yearn for that adult interaction or challenge.  Again I felt guilt for feeling differently after my second than my first.

Eventually, I came to the decision to take the new job opportunity and cut my maternity leave short. Why for all the reasons that I chose to be a working mom in the first place (See my previous post Why Go Back to Work????).  I realized all my hesitations came back to one thing I FELT GUILTY.  It wasn't until I read a quote written to a first child that I was able to analyze my feelings.

                      "You see I want to get it all RIGHT because I've messed up so 

                        much in the past with you.  I feel like I owe it to you.  You gave

                        me the greatest gift possible.  You made me a mom.  In the 

                        most intense way possible, YOU are my baby."

Things between my children were never going to be the same.  My first will always be my first and my second my second.  My first son made me a mom and I will never be able to thank him for that but my second has made me a better mom and a different mom.  My second isn't going to grow up harboring resentment that mommy went back to work early, the same way my oldest doesn't remember all the mess ups that we had.  They love me for being their mommy just that plain and simple.

I also realized that it wasn't that I wanted to stay home with just my youngest, I wanted to be with both of my boys.  I resolved to make our nights and weekends about family time.  I'm one of the lucky ones to have a family member babysit while I am at work.  I made my working hours such that I am home for more of my children's waking hours than they are awake with their Mimi watching them.  

I have come to terms with my decision and looking back I wouldn't have made a different decision.  While I miss my boys when I'm at work; nothing compares with the big smiles, hugs and kisses I get when I get home.

#mommyfail

#mommyfail I feel this hash tag could sum up my feelings at least once a day... especially now with two. 
Everytime my son falls down or bumps into something I feel the size of an ant.   Isn't my job to protect my children, make sure they never get hurt or ever feel sad? If I was doing my job as a mom they would never get hurt or know pain or be upset.  Since I don't own two bubbles to keep them in I've had to lower my expectations.
Anyone who has boys know the rough and tumble life that has become my norm.  My toddler has developed this habit of yelling out "I'm ok" after he tumbles to the ground.
Recently, a series of events unfolded in my house that culminated in my toddler needing ice and my infant being carried across the room by the same toddler.  As any mom would; I felt like a failure.  I called my husband and told him about my failure and about my concerns, and looked to him for encouragement that I could continue through the day.  That evening still wrought with guilt I said to my toddler as I put him to bed I love you and tomorrow mommy will do better.  He turned to me and gave me a big hug and said I love you too for the first time.  After the happy tears streamed down my face I had a realization.  No matter how many times I "fail" I'm still mommy.  That doesn't matter to my boys... all that matters to them is mommy being there.
That was the moment when I chose to focus on my #mommywin instead of #mommyfail.   Every little victory is worth celebrating.  I made a choice to stop letting myself feel guilty and embrace what I do well or my small accomplishments.  Being a mommy is hard work, there is no manual, no days off and alot of overtime but it's also the most rewarding job I have ever had.  I would encourage all mommies to focus on their #mommywin instead of the #mommyfail and get the sense of satisfaction I have been able to find.